Try not to be too alarmed. After all, we’ve known this was going to be happening since late last month. I know that’s probably not of much comfort, but still, you need to settle down. We know Goat Simulator 3 is a…zany…game, but you’re going to be okay. Here’s why.
Yes, Goat Simulator 3 contains a lot of…bizarre…activities to get up to once you’ve stepped behind the wheel/eyes/reptilian scales of Pilgor, the Goat Simulator series’ protagonist and general harbinger of doom. As we detailed in our review of the game back in late 2022, some of these might even be considered…wacky.
You might end up enduring a deluge of Swedish Ikea men. You might end up climbing a giant golden man. You might end up encountering a frozen UFO, or a man that seems a bit like Jesus. But - and I stress this with the utmost urgency - you’ll be okay.
You might encounter a square whale called Billy, who’s currently imprisoned in a zoo and clearly needs to be returned to nature. You might spend at least an hour trying to punt or drag Billy over the fences and walls of this prison, contorting your hardy, domesticated form into shapes it was never supposed to take.
You might realise, after a bunch of fruitless headbutting and licking, that there’s actually a completely obvious way to accomplish the task you’ve taken on, and - like an idiot - you’ve wasted a bunch of time you’ll never get back. The funny little noises Billy sometimes makes when you interact with him might not provide any solace. You might start to feel a bit…un-zany.
You might try to overcome this feeling by finally freeing Billy using your newly found method and dragging him down towards the sea that’s sat so mockingly - even insultingly - close the entire time. You might fling Billy into the beautiful blue expanse, screaming “Go my son! Live, frolic and revel as only free souls can!”
You might realise what’s about to happen as you see the bigger sea creature begin to emerge from the depths. You might shed a tear as Billy is dragged beneath the waves, never to be seen again. You might spend the rest of the game trying to fill the Billy-shaped void in your life, and never succeed.
But, you’ll be okay.
If you play Goat Simulator 3, which arrives on Xbox Game Pass today, you’ll be okay.
Goat Simulator 3 is available at no extra cost on Xbox Game Pass, right now.
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