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Rumour: Ico and Shadow of the Colossus heading to Blu-ray in HD



"This isn’t very good, is it?"
"It’s a fucking funeral. What do you expect?"
"Yes, I know, but come on. There’s hardly anyone here."
"Well, he wasn’t a very nice man."
"Are any of them?"
"Oh, shut up."
"I’m only here because of you, you know."
"Of course I know. You’ve said so about twenty times this morning."
"There’s no need to be like that."
"Whatever. Just shut up. They’re about to start."


"Seriously, shut up. Have some respect."

[a short sermon, punctuated by crying. pause in recording. start in recording. sounds of glasses and low chatter]

"Don’t you fucking dare."
"It’s just fucking beer. Leave me alone."

[break in recording]

"I knew him quite well, you know."
"Well, I’d hope so. We’ve just watched a man in a dress set fire to him."
"He was buried, for Christ's sake. Were you even watching?"
"Stick a double scotch in there, love, when you get a chance."
"I knew it. You such a fucking arsehole."
"You know what? I don’t even care. Every fucking week I get this. Every fucking week. Stop drinking; shut up; don’t call me at home. I’ve had enough. You treat me like a fucking child."
"Well, if you want to be treated like an adult."
"Oh, just fuck off. Seriously, just fuck off. No, not you, my darling. Here."

[sound of a register, a glass being slammed down]

"It’s not funny. He’s bloody dead."
"If you cry, I’m off."
"I can’t help it. You’re so awful."
"Another double in here, flower. And one for yourself. Look, let’s keep it civil. I’ve got something big. No, not that. What the fuck? I thought you were fucking upset?"
"Maybe I’m as transparent as you."
"Thanks, Cheryl. It is Cheryl, isn’t it? Lovely name."
"For fuck’s sake."
"Tell you what. Blowy in the toilet and I’ll give you the story."
"Suck my cock in the toilet and I’ll tell you what I know. Cheryl? Two double scotches, please. Large ones. Wait."
"Have you lost your fucking mind? We’re at a funeral."
"That’s not strictly true. We’re at a wake. And I’m fucking battered. And horny. Nice one, Shirley."

[money, two glasses being slammed down]

"Come on."
"Come on."
"No. Fuck off."
"Come on. Seriously, come on."
"Yes, I know, Martha. I’m really sorry about this. Come on, then. You’re making a scene."
"Come on."
"Yes, I’m coming."

[door, echo]

"Suck my cock."
"Oh my God."
"Come on. Let’s go. Get your chompers round this."
"Put it away, for fuck’s sake. You’ll get us arrested."
"Come on. I know you. I want you. You want me. Suck my cock and win the prize."
"It’s not even hard."
"It will be if you suck it. Go on: lick my balls."
"I actually think this is the end."
"Stick your finger up my ass."

[falling sound followed by a yelp and a splash]

"I just want to point out that you’re lying in a urinal. You’re lying in a urinal at a funeral."

[flushing, groaning]

"I needed a fucking shower anyway."
"I really don’t know what to say."


"Sorry about this."

[pause. door]

"Look, I’ll tell you."
"This had better be good."
"Let’s play a game."
"Fuck me."
"It’s called Ico. Heard of it?"
"Ico. Let’s play Ico."
"What are you talking about?"
"I bet you’d like to play Ico, wouldn’t you? You dirty bastard."
"Please get up."
"Tell me you want to play Ico."


"I just want you to be normal."
"And you want to play Ico."


"Yes. I want to play Ico."
"Good. And you want to play it in HD, right?"

[bubbling, laughing]

"What? What?"
"It’s being remastered on Blu-ray. In HD. Stop shaking me."
"What else?"


"Oh. Jesus."
"What else? Give me the news. Give it to me. Fucking tell me."
"That's better. Shadow of the Colossus is in the same pack."
"Told you. Now suck my cock."
"To summarise: you are lying in a pool of piss and sick in a toilet at a friend’s wake. Your penis has carrots on it. I think I’ll pass."
"Fucking bastard. After everything I’ve done for you."
"Call me when you’re not an alcoholic."
"Fuck off."

[door. groaning for several minutes. splashing. door]

"Suck my cock?"

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Patrick Garratt


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