Don’t judge me too harshly. I’m not normally the kind of person to walk into someone’s house and scoop their fresh groceries into my pockets, but I’m preparing for when the world falls apart and we’re forced to eat our neighbours.
I’m prepping for the end of the world in Animal Crossing, hoarding fruit and turnips. Since real money will soon be worthless, why not be virtually rich, eh? Why not?
So, last week I went to visit one of my Nintendo Online friends. When I got there, the island was decorated in Bunny Day eggs and furniture, and there was a dog strumming a guitar next to a sign that read “happy birthday”.
I didn’t realise before I went, but it was my pal’s birthday and they were celebrating it in-game due to the UK lockdown, enjoying an intimate K.K. Slider concert.
If robbing someone on their birthday makes me an asshole (it definitely does, shut up), I want you to realise I first went to the shop in their town, bought some party poppers, and let them go into my friend’s face. “Happy birthday,” I wrote. See, I’m nice really.
Job done. Now, while they were enjoying the rest of Slider’s performance, I thought I’d just have a look around. The island was filled with fruit trees of every kind. Vast orchards as far as the eye could see, which isn’t very far in Animal Crossing because the islands curve over after about three meters.
Either way, that fruit was mine. It’d grow back in a couple of days and my friend wasn’t in any rush to harvest it. A victimless crime. I filled my pockets. He didn’t even notice. I was home free and richer than before, after selling all this non-native fruit on my island of orange trees.
At least until this dick-nosed villager grassed me up:
— Paul (@bestpaulwatson) April 13, 2020
What a little bitch. Can’t believe he did me like that.
With a name like Snooty, I don’t even know why I’m surprised. He’s probably the kind of guy who would call the cops when he spots someone buying a Double Decker from Aldi. A proper curtain twitcher. This dude would definitely have “grass” spray painted onto their garden fence around my way.
Consider this a PSA to my fellow fruit thieves: scope out the island first because you never know if some snooty asshole is going to dob you in.
If you don't want to resort to ill means, check out our Animal Crossing: New Horizons guide.