Heart of the Swarm: clown-empowering at its best

Tuesday, 12th March 2013 11:57 GMT By Patrick Garratt

The second part of the StarCraft II trilogy is out now. Patrick Garratt plays through the opening hours, emerging a level 10, gum-chewing brosef on a mission to burrow for love and honour.

I may be some weird alien woman but I’m in love and I want to get married and cook Jim dinner and have little zerg babies with little space marine diapers on their little mutant asses.

This is pretty cool, right? Sarah Kerrigan, the girl-next-door porn star alien with her Seven of Nine boob suit and glans-chomping lips, has had her wings that aren’t really wings cut off and is dreaming about vengeance. She isn’t purple any more, but what the hey. It’s not like anyone plays any of this for the fucking plot. Whatever. With the disappearance of the Queen of Blades, the zerg swarm has been shattered, yada yada. Jim Raynor’s trying to save the poor super-extra-terrestrial empress and make her all human and shit. The Dominion wants to kill her. Someone’s running out of time, but that just means the boobs are bouncier, so that’s awesome.

Planets are planetoids and that marine armour’s fucking shit-hot. This is pretty cool, right? Raynor never gave up on you, Sarah. She’s got glowy eyes and she wants to kill Minsk, the Dominion leader. It’s not like anyone plays any of this for the fucking plot.

Kerrigan has to go through this stupid training section, like she’s some fucking noob or shit. Like, how the fuck don’t you know that the zerg army builds with a hatchery and a spawning pool and your drones collect resources and you mutate larvae into whatever, like zerglings, which are pretty cool, right? The zerglings run around and free other zerlings from the stupid terrans and I hardly fucking knew I was learning anything, because I’m not a noob, k? Fuck you, buddy. Like you can teach me any shit. I was playing Heart of the Swarm, like, ten fucking years ago.

So Kerrigan and Raynor have this little flirty kissy-shit bit, because she’s a fragile mass-murderer or whatever, and they’re off. Like, why does he keep trying to rescue her when she’s like the most awesome person ever? She can fry people with her fucking mind, but she does all this doe-eyed stuff, looking up at Raynor like she’s sucking his fucking dick. Whatever. Killing loads of people’s like riding a bike, she reckons, and I reckon that too, because Blizzard RTS is awesome even if it isn’t much like riding a bike.

The first mission is Kerrigan and Raynor escaping a marooned ship (I think). She says things like on the same page, and I gotcha, and pushing ahead, and work to be done, because this is StarCraft and that’s fine. She’s got psychic specials like Crushing Grip and Kinetic Blast and a big gun, so this is pretty cool, right? I’m flying around on an isometric tram (a fucking tram?), and it’s all shiny and spinny. Like, even a noob playing on casual difficulty could enjoy this. Not that I am. Fuck you, buddy.

You fight a massive mech thing, get split up from Raynor and everyone’s cheesing the fuck out of each other on the intercom. It’s, like, Blizzard is the final word in man-boy sci-fi and everyone has to make it, or take a shot, or see someone on the other side, but that’s fine because it’s StarCraft and I’m winning and I feel awesome because it’s so fucking slick and I’ve got massive tits just like I always wanted and I won’t leave Jim behind because that’s just wrong and there is no wrong in this game because I may be some weird alien woman but I’m in love and I want to get married and cook Jim dinner and have little zerg babies with little space marine diapers on their little mutant asses.

Now this is the first proper mission and I’m base-building with the zerg, which I would never have done before if I was a noob, but I’m not, so I have, like hundreds of times. Then I’m controlling more than 200 zerg to bring down a terran cannon, and if I’d never played zerg before and only played a few hours of Wings of Liberty, I might be pretty fucking surprised at just how easy it is to get into again, but I’m well experienced so fuck you. Slamming the fuck out of bases with hordes of aliens is basically amazing, k? And, like, there’s a publicly announced terrorist death, like someone’s killed Osama, right? And there’s, like, peace and shit but that’s obviously a lie, right? It’s like some deep and fucking meaningful stance on modern America, and I definitely won’t carry on playing the campaign to find out what happens, because it’s not like anyone plays any of this for the fucking plot.

If you have a capable PC and you don’t get Heart of the Swarm you’re a fucking idiot. Like, you need Wings of Liberty to run it but if you haven’t already bought that you’re a fucking idiot. This is the stupidest, most over-blown, most beautifully designed, highest budget, ultra-slickest, man-hulkiest, tit-heaviest, clown-empoweringiest RTS ever created. You’re not playing it? Then fuck you, buddy.

StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm is out now for PC.




    Having a bad day, Pat?

    #1 2 years ago
  2. sk4r


    #2 2 years ago
  3. zme-ul

    LOL! I can’t stop laughing

    #3 2 years ago
  4. digmouse

    I seriously don’t know whether you are saying it’s good or not Pat. Enlighten me you English speaking people please?

    #4 2 years ago
  5. Patrick Garratt

    It’s good, yeah :-D

    (But really cheesy.)

    #5 2 years ago
  6. Sylrissa

    Best HoTS impressions piece yet! well done Pat.

    #6 2 years ago
  7. Patrick Garratt


    #7 2 years ago
  8. noherczeg

    I’m confused as well QQ

    #8 2 years ago
  9. deathm00n

    Amazing, that’s why I love this site lol

    Now I want to get the game :)

    #9 2 years ago
  10. Bomba Luigi

    I have a Capable PC and I will not Buy it, nänänänänääääääää :P

    #10 2 years ago
  11. manamana

    Trying a new pen, Patrick? ;-)

    #11 2 years ago
  12. Sanwiches

    Jesusfuck this game is CHEEEESYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    well expressed Patrick.

    #12 2 years ago
  13. Sanwiches

    They probably hired a story writer from Disney or something. BUT EVEN DISNEY ISN’T THAT CHEESY.

    #13 2 years ago
  14. Talkar

    Just finished the campaign, and while it starts out and ends pretty cheesy, the middle of it is absolutely glorious!

    #14 2 years ago
  15. Naaame

    lol this is legendary, please do NOT take this down!

    #15 2 years ago
  16. stretch215

    Lol. That was funny. :P

    #16 2 years ago
  17. hives


    I really didn’t want it to be cheesy. I was counting on some dark story, without “silly” and “stupid” elements.

    #17 2 years ago
  18. NoPizzaNoCry

    WoL is a terrible game, and you say that paying an extra 60€ for, basically an add-on is worth it? It use to be 20€ for Frozen Throne, or Beyond the Dark Portal or Broodwar. And man, these games were awesome, SCII is just a pale copy of the first one, without any risk taken, it’s fucked, like Blizzard.

    #18 2 years ago
  19. Talkar

    I think it is worth noting that there has been no server problems at all! :D

    #19 2 years ago
  20. deathgaze

    If you don’t smoke Tarryltons…

    #20 2 years ago
  21. SplatteredHouse

    @18: Thank you for visiting Activision-Blizzard. If your intent becomes to return to your point of origin, please deposit $50 in the receptacle provided. It sounds like they’ve murdered SC’s narrative. Let’s hear it for the WoW/CoD manufacturing corporation! Once it’s priced as-per an expansion, perhaps then I’ll buy it, to regard it as such.

    #21 2 years ago
  22. Kabby

    I like the model of the fully morphed Kerrigan.

    Everything else seems pretty Blizzard of today. Achievements for taking a shit, solo the campaign with one unit, nonsensical cut-scenes and so on. The story is proper B-grade bullshit too.

    #22 2 years ago

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