Now we’ve got Wall Market out of our system in Final Fantasy 7 Remake, we’re thinking about what’s next. The iconic JRPG is memorable because of its story and incredible cast of misfits, but there is another thing everyone remembers: it is bizarre.
While a lot of scenes worked with the polygonal nightmare graphics of the original PlayStation game, I can’t help but wonder how well they’ll translate to characters who look human, who are fully voiced, who have hands instead of stumps at the end of their tiny arms.
So here are some batshit things we can’t wait to see in Final Fantasy 7 Remake 2? 3? Final Fantasy 7 Remakes? Anyway, on we go.
Red XIII in a soldier uniform
Red XIII is a dog with a fiery tail. You save him from a life of being experimented on towards the end of the Midgar section, which Final Fantasy 7 Remake covers. He’s sassy. He’s moody. He talks. He’s a dog. He’s a talking lab rat/dog.
Since he’s a dog, that means he walks on all fours. He also has fur, an elongated nose, and very dog-like features – considering, you know, he is a dog. That flame at the end of his tail isn’t too subtle either.
At one point, you and the team sneak aboard a cargo ship to sail across the ocean. You all get onboard disguised as Shinra soldiers. Yes, even Red XIII. He walks on his hind legs and dances around like a man who has shit his pants. It’s daft. It’s great. I have no idea if it will work with modern graphics and I can’t wait to find out.
Palmer gets hit by a truck
Palmer heads up Shinra’s failed space programme in Final Fantasy 7, and he makes a couple of small appearances in the remake as well. You can first spy him in the Honeybee Inn if you peek through the keyholes to the rooms before the show.
He really likes cups of tea with lard in them, for some reason. And at one point, you take him on in a weirdly tough boss battle. Once the battle is over, an aeroplane almost decapitates him, but he crouches under the propellor. Then he sticks his tongue out and runs away, at which point he’s summarily hit by one of his company’s trucks.
This happens during the fight, rather than exiting the battle for a proper cutscene. I can only guess it won’t be the same in the next remake. This is because the remake’s fights play out in real-time, so the truck would have to just careen through the battlefield and potentially take you out as well, which isn’t as funny as seeing Palmer’s lard-loving ass handed to him by a lorry.
Cloud gets yeeted by a dolphin
There’s a scene in the original Final Fantasy 7 where Cloud has to get to the top of a tower. To do so he gets yeeted by a dolphin called Mr. Dolphin. I don’t really know what else to say, to be honest. We deserve it in 4K.
Tifa slaps the shit out of Scarlett
There’s a scene midway through Final Fantasy 7 where party member Tifa has a fight with Shinra’s Scarlett. The two face off in one of the most dramatic backdrops, standing on top of the huge Junon cannon with the sea at their backs. What follows is just plain weird.
Tifa is a skilled martial artist who can punch robots to death. She can suplex gods. She is hard as fuck, basically. But for some reason, her and Scarlett have a pathetic slap fight. I’m pretty sure Tifa would straight up slap this Shinra lackey off the cannon with a single backhand, and I hope that’s what happens in Final Fantasy 7 Remake(s?) 2.
Vincent – just the whole of Vincent
One of Final Fantasy 7’s optional party members is Vincent, who you find sleeping in a coffin inside a creepy mansion in Cloud’s hometown. He’s a vampire with a gun, and you have to go through an entire convoluted series of tasks to even get him to join you. Despite him being so easy to miss, he got his own game essentially in Dirge of Cerberus. Did I mention he’s a vampire?
Cait-Sith – just the whole of Cait-Sith
It’s a robot cat riding a thing… what even is that thing? A fat moogle teddy? Just look at it – it’s so dumb. I hate it with every fibre of my being.
There’s a snowboarding minigame. You snowboard. It’s SSX with anime hair and I love it. Even the music’s over the top. Legendary shit.
Why not read our spoiler-free Final Fantasy 7 Remake review while you’re here.