I am bald.
Once upon a time my head was full of hair, then I had children and they stole my life force from me like tiny, expensive parasites. As soon as I had my first kid, a doomsday clock started ticking and my hair strands began to shrivel and die like that scene in Death Stranding where the plants are withering from the timefall.
Do you know what it feels like to get sunburn on your scalp? It fucking hurts. There are other things school doesn’t teach you about being bald, too, like how it might save you money usually spent at the barber, but you have to personally shave your head every few days or you just look like you’re in denial. Nobody wants a helipad on the back of their head. Nobody wants that.
One good thing about being bald is how it becomes the go-to insult for any moron who wants to step to you, even though you’re clearly extremely powerful because you have that much testosterone that your hair got scared and fucked off.
“You’re bald,” they say. “Ok, domehead,” they continue. “Alright, slaphead.” You’d think, like my hair, these jokes would wear thin. But they don’t because there’s power in taking your hairline into your own hands, buzzing it off with some clippers and washing it down the plughole. Once you’re bald, you’re bald. It’s like coming back from the dead. Nobody can hurt you, other than the sun.
That’s why I thought it’d be nice to celebrate the best bald video game characters around. Solidarity, bald brethren. Solidarity.
Diglett – Pokemon
My furless-sona, Diglett is the mascot of bald people the world over. Our horrible deity, reflecting back how we see ourselves in the mirror. Nintendo knows this as well. Why else would one of Diglett’s abilities be called ‘Tangling Hair’ if not to mock us?
“If Diglett is exposed to sunlight, its blood will heat up and cause it to grow weak,” says Bulbapedia. I see what you’re doing, Nintendo. I know the games you hair-normies play. But we’re taking Diglett back, we’re reclaiming him as a symbol of our aerodynamic aesthetic. Next we just need a Diglett with a beard, because everyone knows bald men need a beard if they want to avoid looking like a Tic Tac.
Agent 47 – Hitman
This guy is the exception to the beard rule. If you’re gonna be bald and not have a beard, you just need to look like this chiseled, glassy-eyed murderer and you’re all set. I don’t believe he’s a natural baldy like me though. Agent 47 is bald with a purpose.
Think about it: bald people can blend in. There’s so many of us. We can also lube up our heads so we can fit it into tight spaces and eavesdrop. In battle, nobody can grab our hair, their fingers just claw at our heads. We can wear wigs to help disguise us, and we make for extremely generic security personnel. We also look great in hats and don’t leave strands of hair behind at murd-I mean accidents.
Kratos – God of War
Listen, mean people on the internet who call me names – would you say that to Kratos? No, you wouldn’t, because he would pull your arm off and beat you to death with it. I’m not saying I would do that, but I might. Think about that the next time you call me a cue ball.
Greek medic Hippocrates spent his life looking for a cure for baldness, to the point where the most severe form of hair loss is now called the ‘Hippocratic form’. He should have been more like his countryman, Kratos, who just got a sick tattoo on his head and covered his skin with the ashes of dead loved ones instead.
Jack: Subject Zero – Mass Effect
To baldly go where no man has gone before. Jack is proof that you don’t have to be a dude to be powerful and bald and terrifying. Jack could probably kick the shit out of everyone on this list, including Diglett. Most of them would probably welcome it.
The actor who plays Jack, Courtenay Taylor, is just as much of a badass in real life, even though she is not, in fact, bald. Jack also spends much of Mass Effect 2 on the run – she’s wanted, like most bald people are wanted, adored, and loved by the general non-bald populace.
Max Payne – erm
“The way I see it there’s two types of people, those who spend their lives trying to build a future and those who spend their lives trying to rebuild the past” – Max Payne. This line, clearly, is about hair loss.
Are you the person who clicks on the advert for that wondercream that keeps popping up on Facebook, or are you going to take a razor to your head and dive down the stairs in slow motion, no longer held back by your hair flapping in your face during bullet-time maneuvers? Speaking of which, this is the easiest cosplay you can do if you’re a bald man who likes alcohol.
Be bold, be bald, be free. Human Funko Pops, rise up.