The VG247 alternative game awards

By Kirk McKeand, Tuesday, 11 December 2018 13:17 GMT

We like to do things a little differently here at VG247. So before we give you our picks of the best games of 2018, we wanted to present to you the alternative game awards.

First up, let’s explain how it’s going to go down: we collectively made up a bunch of stupid categories that have a clear winner, and now I’m going to tell you why that game/character/company is the winner of whatever ridiculous category we’ve placed it in. Good? Good.

If you want to know about the actual highlights of the year, check out our industry Game of the Year awards.

VG247 Alternative Game Awards

Competent game of the year: Marvel’s Spider-Man

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever an open-world game can. Can he collect all the shit? Yes he can, it’s a hit – look out, here comes the Spider-Man.

Insomniac’s take on Spider-Man might be one of the most unoriginal open-world games around, but somehow it manages to still be worth playing, even with its insta-fail stealth sections and pipe puzzle minigames. It’s amazing what good movement, pretty graphics, and an authentic representation of established characters can do.

It’s not a bug, it’s a feature: Hitman 2’s homing briefcase

Hitman 2 is great. It’s a game where you can knock people out with a fish, drown them in a toilet, and dress up as a pink flamingo. You get to travel the world while murdering people in increasingly ridiculous ways – it’s basically like working for the government.

But one of Hitman 2’s best features was unintended. Grab a briefcase, lock onto an NPC, and launch it at their head: the thing will home right in – very slowly – on their melon. Even if they leave the room and go around a corner, it will hunt them down like a Tory on a defenceless fox.

The most amount of review codes we were sent for a game we didn’t play: Grip: Combat Racing

By all accounts, Grip is a good arcade racer that you should probably give a chance. Unfortunately, it came out just after Red Dead Redemption 2 and a bunch of other massive games, so we never got chance to check it out.

Release date aside, this isn’t the fault of the game’s marketing. In my inbox, I’ve been sent around ten separate emails containing review code for Grip on various platforms. It’s the same for Matt and it’s the same for Alex. So if we ever do get around to cracking on with it, we’ll be sorted.

Worst character: Lara Croft

Lara Croft is impossible to empathise with in Shadow of the Tomb Raider. She’s a selfish rich girl who messes around with other cultures and touches things she shouldn’t be touching. She does this so she can find more treasure to stick in her massive mansion – which she inherited, by the way – all while never shutting up about her famous dad. She also says “amazing” too much.

Actor Camilla Luddington delivers a performance like she works in a call centre, it’s 5:30pm, and there’s a curry waiting for her at home. She sounds as enthused as a ten year old who’s just been forced to watch cricket for 15 hours. She has as much emotion as a T-1000. Shadow of the Tomb Raider makes it clear that Lara needs a gap year off.

Worst villain: Telltale

One of the most depressing stories of 2018 was the closure of Telltale. The studio was always a big success story, but bad management led to the losses of hundreds of jobs. To top it off, it seemed to come out of nowhere. Video game bad guys don’t get worse than corporate greed.

Best use of women to boil gamer piss: Total War: Rome 2

This year, it was a close-fought battle between Total War: Rome 2 and Battlefield 5 for the best use of women to boil gamer piss. I decided to go with Rome 2 because it’s been out ages and still managed to make people froth with righteous rage over something as pedestrian as including women generals. You have to respect that.

Best abuse of a character creator: SoulCalibur 6’s Lizardman

If you give players the tools to make a knob, they will make a knob – Cockam’s razor.

SoulCalibur 6 gave players to ability to make characters with humongous dongs, and so they did just that, strapping massive meatsticks onto lizardmen.

That came out this year?: Metal Gear Survive

I can’t believe it. How did this come out in 2018? How is this year still going? Somebody kill me.

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