Annual Festival of Capitalism 2015
Every year we ask Team VG247 what they’d like to find under their non-denominational holiday ornament of choice on whichever magical morning local capitalism has usurped for gift-giving, and every year they absolutely fail to turn up a nice list of video games everyone here can relate to.
What do you get for those who have everything – whereby everything we mean video games coming out the ears? Let’s peek behind the curtain and see what items will help shove the great economic train back on the rails.
An Xbox One
Specifically, Steph requests the Fallout 4 1TB Xbox One bundle.
“Don’t worry: I finally own Fallout 4 on PC and plan to play it over the holidays. I mainly want an Xbox One because I have so many Xbox 360 games stashed in the closet, and the console stopped reading discs in 2013. I am hoping the majority of the games I own will be made available eventually, and some already are, so I figured I’d bite the bullet and ask for an Xbox One. Plus, now that the man of the house has loaned me his spectacular ASUS laptop, an Xbox One with Fallout 4 will keep him busy, and keep me from having to share the game through Steam Family Sharing; if he is playing my copy, I can’t even play anything on Steam without kicking him off – and I don’t want to get into an argument over the matter. It’s a win-win for both of us.”
A very powerful mulcher
Having retired to the country, Brenna has evolved into some sort of zen monk, and eschews the excesses of capitalism. Except that she wants a great big woodchipper.
“Now that I have randomly become a keen gardener I have all sorts of researched opinions on mulch, mainly that I need a lot of it and can make a better blend than any you can easily buy. I have no end of raw materials thanks to a yard full of neglected trees and shrubs, but I’ve already burned the motor out of one electric hobby mulcher. I need a proper big one so I can make enough mulch to fill in my flower beds. There’s no other reason. Why are you looking at me like that?”
A Wii U
Like Steph, Sherif earns some bonus points for asking for a real thing related to video games, the topic from which we all derive a living: a Wii U. He says:
“I’ve never owned a Nintendo console. Throughout my days as a child, I was very rarely exposed to Nintendo consoles or games. I don’t really have any nostalgia for Zelda, 8-bit/16-bit era, Earthbound, Pokemon, any of the Final Fantasy games (yes even the PS ones), or really Mario. I’ve played the first Mario and finished it on some modded console back in the day, but that’s about it. I want to get a Wii U A) to play some of these classics, even if just to try them and understand why they have their status, and B) catch up on some modern titles like 3D World, Splatoon etc, which all look very interesting. There’s a sense of child-like joy that’s eluded me for years, and it’s one I often get when watching someone play SM Galaxy and similar games. I came very close to buying one a few months back, but plans fell through.”
“Sleep is for the weak” is one of three official VG247 mottoes, which is why we trample our foes so mightily. Nevertheless, Pat and Sherif are looking forward to spending some quality time in the arms of Morpheus, who is frankly dreamy. Ah ha ha!
Sherif: “Waking up late afternoon during the break, eating a lot, and playing video games. It’s the thing I look forward the most, honestly. Playing games and staying up to stupid o’clock because I can. I will finally have time to catch up on all those games I missed, not to mention sleep.”
Pat: “I’m pretty tired. I’m quite keen on being asleep for as long as possible. For consecutive days, potentially. It’s been a fun, exhilarating year, but you don’t know how far you’ve strung yourself out until the pressure lifts a little. I’m really looking forward to staying in bed some mornings and eating many carbohydrate-based foods over the holidays.”
Nobody took Steph’s suggestion seriously last year so she’s having another go.
“I didn’t get my warm, winter boots last year so I am hoping someone takes the blasted hint this year. I can’t go around wearing sexy boots in the snow and ice. That said, there are three other pairs of boots I want, because I am a collector of sorts. Each pair is super expensive, but I have been a very good girl this year. I think.”
A GTA Online update
Although Rockstar made several nice updates to GTA 5 this year, and our own dear Matt was pleased to smash through them all, he’s not entirely happy with the state of the multiplayer sandbox and offered a scornful burn in the form of a wishlist request:
“For Rockstar to update the servers, matchmaking and all other technical behind-the-scenes stuff on GTA Online. There’s been so many content updates this year and they’re great, but the servers fall over and we sit around in lobbies FOREVER.”
A lifetime supply of bubbly water
Did you know? It gets very hot in Australia. Now that we’re constantly having extreme weather events (so much fun), heat waves are a regular thing down under, and Brenna is looking for relief.
“I try to be an environmentally responsible global citizen and never buy bottled water, but then I moved to a town where the water supply is drawn from the artesian basin and uh – I’m chasing the carbonated dragon pretty hard. Plus, I don’t have air conditioning, and I’m firmly convinced bubbly water makes hangovers, flu, acne and all kinds of illness go away. So either send a crate of Pear and Melon Mineral Water, or a Sodastream. Thanks in advance.”
A gaming PC
Don’t worry, master race; Sherif will return to your ranks soon enough.
“My old PC is being used full-time by my sister now, and, having spent all of 2015 gaming on consoles, I miss my PC days. I like tinkering around, fixing issues even if they don’t want to be fixed, never compromising, throwing money at problems, and other things PC gaming excels at. Consoles are fine for what they are, and I will continue to play games there, but nothing beats PC gaming for me. Then there’s also PC-exclusive stuff like StarCraft 2 (the latest expansion of which I’ve yet to play), XCOM 2 etc…”
Games other than Destiny
Pat fell very much into Destiny: The Taken King‘s compulsive grip and needs a time out.
“I need to broaden my consumption. The ‘new world’ of triple-A games means we focus on fewer, larger products, and I’ve been committed to covering Destiny since launch. For the most part it’s been an incredible ride, but the rigours of maintaining high light make it a struggle to keep up with much else. I realised how blinkered I’d become towards the end of 2015 when I took a break from Planet Bungie to play Tomb Raider and Hard West for VG247. Turns out science fiction FPS isn’t video gaming in its entirety. I’ve bought my sons Yoshi’s Woolly World for Christmas and I’m going to treat myself to a bunch of new stuff over the holiday that maybe doesn’t involve shooting the Hive repeatedly for 700 hours. Time for a little perspective, I think.”
A map of Middle-earth
A Lord of the Rings fanatic (ask her about her Kin), Steph wants to plaster her love all over the walls.
“I am such a Tolkien nerd. Have been since I was a kid and I am proud of it, I have been working really hard on the house this year, and now that most of what company will see is worthy of being featured in Equestrian Snobs Monthly, I am going full-on geek with my office. My major want is this reproduction of the map of Middle-earth over on Etsy, and I don’t want the small one either. I want the 50×40 to hang on the wall alongside my two Rohirrim banners and my Gondorian Army banner emblazoned with the White Tree planted at the Court of the Fountain in Minas Tirith. I should probably seek the help of a professional.”
Matt said he wants “a new desk for my decks”, which was very puzzling. Is it something to do with that new-fangled “disco” music that wafts out of his bedroom occasionally?? We just don’t know. He sent this handy photo illustrating his existing, desk-less set up, which may or may not aid your comprehension. He said:
“I’ve moved house and haven’t completed my office set-up yet. They are currently balancing on boxes of comics and some garden furniture and wobble like fuck.”
A cardboard cut-out of Peter Moore
You know how it is when you move around a lot and also enter a higher spiritual state due to too much healthy living: you just stop wanting anything. This is no good fot the global consumer economy, and an end must be put to it. We insisted Brenna come up with a third wish.
“I have no material needs or desires at present. I have moved beyond such frivolities. Let me ask my external brain. One sec.” (in the background: “Hey, do I have any material needs or desires?”) “Okay yeah apparently I want a cardboard cut out of Peter Moore, my gaming business hero. You know, this started as a joke but I wouldn’t say no. He could keep my Lara Croft company. I could put hats on him.”
An anti-distraction brain upgrade
Apparently last year’s mind-altering substances didn’t quite do the job; Pat is seeking a way to make the inside of his head do what he wants.
“Like, seriously. If I don’t work out how to stop looking at Twitter, Facebook and Reddit all day I’m never going to amount to anything. And that will never do. Also, butterflies. If someone could gift me some kind of miracle Christmas attention-focusing surgery I’d greatly appreciate it. So thanks. Bonne fête, and all that.”
In case the items requested above are too pricey, Steph kindly supplied this list of things she might actually get. (Steph, we’d never judge you on your taste in period dramas – as long as you mean the version with Alan Rickman in it, which is boss.)
“I need new artist grade colored pencils and paint brushes; I have asked for Blu-ray versions of Monty Python’s feature release of And Now for Something Completely Different, Better off Dead, A Fish Called Wanda, Season One of Rick and Morty and Sense and Sensibility (don’t you dare judge). I also asked for a new toaster, professional grade hair dryer, a straightening iron, new Cutco kitchen knives, an 8-quart Calphalon stockpot, and a crock pot because I am both stylish and domestic. I bake my own bread, make jams, my own stock and my strawberry cake is in demand so much I am sick of making the damn thing. Therefore, if I am going to be cooking up delicious items in the kitchen, I need better tools.”
“Is that too much to ask for?” our EIC asked, plaintively. 01) Yes, Matt, it is, and 02) Sherif asked for that last year. Get in line.
Well, that’s us, but now we’d like to hear from you. What did you ask for? What are you expecting? What will you buy for yourself in a sulk when we get to the January sales and you’re richer in socks and poorer in temper?