Hot or balls? Rating GTA Online’s big Lowrider changes
Grand Theft Auto’s Lowriders update is proving to be one of the best DLC drops for the game to date. The vehicles are great, the customisation options are extensive (and expensive), but the return of Lamar Davies means you get to sample them even if you’re skint. It’s always great to see players return to the game, and especially pleasing to see impromptu car meets happening across Los Santos.
But it’s not just about the cars. Alongside the headline lowriders came a whole load of changes to GTA Online. As I’m strictly GroveSt4Lyfe, I sat down and checked out all the details, the new game modes, bought things I didn’t need and then slapped an arbitrary judgement on them and put it on the internet.
Working for Mr Long Dick
I love Lamar Davis, aka Mr Long Dick, aka The Gang Bang Guru. He’s the most ignorant of all characters, replacing every third word with “mother” and “fucker” and liberal sprinklings of expletives that a white bloke from Wales should never think about writing down.
His missions in the Lowriders update are actually pretty rad. They’re tough, and they require up to four players working in unison to pull off drivebys, getaways, carjacking and other dirty moves to get rival gangs to wipe each other out while you reap the benefits. Lamar is a nasty piece of work, reflected in the dirty jobs you do for him. But it pays well, and who are you to turn down a bundle of greenbacks and two new t-shirt unlocks? Lamar keeps it trill like budgie feed.
Hot or balls? HOT, MOTHERFUCKER.
New gilded weapons
God damn, my favourite gun has now got a gilded finish. That’s on my shopping list, for sure. The problem here is I’ve barely got enough money to buy all this crap. But then that’s the point isn’t it?
Conspiracy idiots reckon updates like this are a cash grab by Rockstar. As in, the cars and gear costs so much money you need a load of cash in the bank, “forcing” you to buy Shark Cards. Honestly, that kind of thinking is logical to some people. All of this content is free and the point is you earn money playing the game for fun, which you then spend as you can afford it. Some people want it all on day one for none of the work.
Hot or balls? There’s a reason we call it a heater, kid.
No one is playing the new Adversary modes
Lowriders adds three new variations to the Adversary modes, but every time I’ve tried to host a game the lobbies are a wasteland – even for a mode that only requires four players minimum. The fact no one cares only 24 hours after new modes have gone live is not a good sign. A little double RP and R$ weekend will help, but life’s too short to wait around in lobbies for that final person to join at the same time as someone else drops out due to boredom.
Hot or balls? Balls.
If I ever get a tattoo in real life it would be a disaster. I would get something wildly inappropriate thinking it was cool and regret it days later. A giant AK47 across my bowling ball stomach, a dookie gold rope around my neck, my date of birth across my knuckles. I have considered all of these IRL. Fortunately I’ve never been able to save up the hundreds required to get “inked”, as I believe the cool kids call it.
So I asked my brother, who last week got a spark plug tattooed on his arm. He reckons these full back tattoos are pretty cool.
Hot or balls? Hot. My brother said so.
It’s a numbers game: 45s, 357s, AR-10s, AK47s…
As if Freemode wasn’t hectic enough, Rockstar has dropped more than 200 weapon pick-ups across the map. In theory you should be able to roam Los Santos and Blaine County and bumble across a guided missile launcher, automatic machinegun or specialist pistol. That should liven things up.
This is a cool addition for players who haven’t unlocked all the weapons. I’m down with it.
Hot or balls? Hot!
If you snooze, you BOOOOOOOM
There’s now an option to destroy the last car in a race every 15 seconds, 30 seconds, 60 seconds or every lap. It’s fun! It’s not for those squares who race non-contact and without slipstreaming, though. Who honestly wants to race with those boring old farts?
Hot or balls? Fireball hot.
Box fresh threads
An old man dressed in teenager’s clothing? Ayo, that’s my entire life, son! Baseball caps cover up the grey hairs. At least I’ve got all my own hair. Anyway.
New outfits are always welcome. How else do we represent?
Hot or balls? Fuego.
Some notifications have turned red. Add these to the purple Free Roam Events and the yellow messages from Lamar and it’s like a 90s rave. You can barely see the text on those yellow pop-ups. It’s all getting a bit busy, isn’t it? This is what happens when you keep adding things without removing or streamlining others. Something’s got to give.
Hot or balls? Balls, my friend.
All change at Ammu-Nation
You can now stock up on ammo from the interaction menu. I admit I like the ease of use, but tripping over to Ammu-Nation was always something I enjoyed. This is just a little bit too convenient for my liking. I like browsing the shop while that fat dude looks approvingly at my weapon choices.
You’ll also notice the guns and gear in store has been reorganised. More importantly you can see that there’s empty spaces on that wall now – at least another six slots have been opened up. One will be for the Halloween Special’s Torch, but what are the others for? New weapons in the future, my friends. And that is a very good thing.
Hot or balls? Hot balls. Support your local store!