Things to do in GTA Online when you’re stoned
GTA Online gets a bad rep from all the assholes. Some days can be nothing but griefing, people killing without repercussion, nuking your favourite private vehicle and sending hate messages after you school them in a Deathmatch.
Yeah, sure, it has it’s problems. But then so does prison, where you can serve eight years for armed robbery and still come out with a degree in social studies, you know? GTA Online is also one of the most beautiful worlds in games, where the sun shines across the coastline, no one bats an eyelid if you walk out of Smoke On The Water blazed, and you can stand around in your pants doing the air-hump without being arrested. It’s freedom, baby.
So instead of a guide to killing and robbing and being a general shitbird, here’s ten things you can do in GTA Online that will make you and other players happy.
Peace, peace, peace.
Scream if you wanna go faster!
Do you want to ride a rollercoaster? Does Pinocchio have wooden balls?
The Leviathan costs $15, it will make your head spin in first-person, and you’ll earn RP as you scream into your microphone. And it has a dedicated “raise your hands in the air” button. How many other games have one of those? None. Except maybe one of those Rollercoaster Tycoon games.
Play non-aggressive sports
I’m talking about golf, tennis and darts. Okay, maybe not tennis because it’s really just a sport for poshos. But golf is cool. You’ll have a mellow few holes at the Leaf Links club and they have a pretty open policy to membership judging by the state of some of you lot.
But darts. Man! Darts is the king of pub sports and it works well in the dives and shitholes that litter the rummer parts of the map. Start a darts match and you’ll find someone to play with you instantly, I guarantee it.
Gift someone money
What’s better than money? Free money! GTA Online lets you gift players cash and you totally should spread the wealth around because honestly, you don’t need it all.
I bought a boat the other day from Dock Tease. No one needs a boat. Boats are shit. To paraphrase Robin Williams, buying a boat is God’s way of telling you that you have too much money. So give some away. Make the world a better place.
Skydiving and parachuting is a perfectly mellow way to take in the massive map of Blaine County, casually drifting across the skyline divorced from the madness below. No one ever wants to do Parachute races because they think they’ll miss the target and it’ll all have been a waste. But how about doing it just for fun and that heart-in-mouth moment where you cut the chute, freefall, and open your back-up only 100 metres from the ground?
And if you’re worrying that parachuting isn’t macho enough for your level 204 P1ayah8er, just remember how much ass, cash and grass Johnny Utah scored in Point Break.
Photograph the butterflies
Anyone can whip out the Snapmatic and take a photo but it really helps to have a basic plan in place. Otherwise you’re wandering around Los Santos looking like a tourist ripe for mugging.
Using this map you can go take picturesque images in some of the most beautiful spots in Blaine County. Ansel Adams once returned to the same location for ten years waiting for the light to be just right to take one photograph. Let’s see a similar level of dedication from your efforts.
Photograph by incredible91852
Make it rain
Hey, look, don’t judge me for hanging out at Vanilla Unicorn ‘cos I ain’t give a shit. It’s one of the few places you can go without some idiot shooting up the place.
Sometimes you can’t avoid going to that place, and you’ll need to give it at least one visit to unlock a special award. While you’re there toss those greenbacks at the girls. Share it around, you know?
Sing in the shower
Don’t front like you don’t enjoy karaoke. Everyone likes to belt out a few tunes now and again. When you spawn in you apartment and find yourself in the shower, let loose with a little Black Magic. There’s no shame in it, and you earn RP. Who expected Rockstar to include singing features in a game, eh? No one.
Make an awesome video like Fat Guy Flying
If you’ve got the time to put 100s of hours into a game then why not get your head around the Rockstar Editor? No one’s expecting you to be the next 8 Bit Bastard, but you can make something as simple as the hilarious Fat Guy Flying and become the talk of Reddit for at least 15 minutes. And who doesn’t want internet fame like that?
There’s so much to see and do in GTA Online it’s overwhelming. And you usually do it at 150 mph in a supercar. Slow. Down. Get a BMX and explore the alleys, rooftops, car lots, backyards and other detailed-yet-ignored spots of LS. Go for a swim in someone’s pool. Ride the skate ramps. Hike to the top of Mount Chilliad. Take the underground and watch the world go by. Chill out.
Smoke a bong until your eyes pop out