Okay, now we get to the pictures I took trying to emulate what other people do on the Internet. A couple worked out alright, but most of my grand ideas didn’t pan out.
The first idea I had was trying to get my barn cat, Mrs. Doyle, to pose on a bale of hay or the tractor with a controller. She wasn’t around at the time. Lucky for her, I guess.
My second, and worst, idea involved my horse Annabel Lee and our miniature donkey Bongo. They weren’t cooperative. I knew posing them with a game controller would be some work, well, except for Annabel: she’s a Percheron and 10 Xbox consoles would fit along her back. No joke. She’s massive, and the one in the middle you see above.
Bongo, on the other hand, I thought, would be easier. He’s tiny, and lets my mother do anything to him whether it’s a bath, putting a blanket or Santa hat on him, or trimming his feet. I thought, if I couldn’t get a decent picture of him with a controller maybe I could put my Mafia or Burger Town t-shirt on him.
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. He kicked the living shit out of my shins and ran off bucking, lead rope in tow and my mother laughing her ass off.
The lesson? There’s two, actually: one – always adhere to your own principles regarding animals wearing clothes (I hate it); two – never, ever, EVER try to put a t-shirt on a jackass. Period.
Bella the kitten and her Xbox 360 experience – I decided to use my Xbox 360 controller because the console no longer reads discs; therefore, if “Miss Destructive” chewed on it, no biggie. I still use my PS3 so the DualShock 3 was not an option. To get her interested in posing, because at her age she has ADD, I resorted to sprinkling catnip around the kitchen floor. It’s not dirt: I promise. I’m like Cinderella, always cleaning the house whether I want to or not. Damn it.
Tink only cares about cat food boxes, not Xboxes – I tried to get Tink, Bella’s sister, in on the action. Sadly, the only time she showed interest was when the controller was placed outside her play box. And next to a string from the cat food bag.
Tom-Tom couldn’t care less – Tom-Tom is an old man. Old as in 15. He’s not interested in newfangled technology. He’d rather fall asleep on the couch after reading one of Sartre’s books on existentialism. You know, because Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre. What a snob.
Dougal’s introduction to Xbox 360 – Dougal’s name fits him. He’s a bit slow, always happy, and puts up with just about anything. I should have put the Mafia shirt on him instead. He wouldn’t have cared. He wears a “jacket” when it’s cold out anyway.
Tess thinks she’s in trouble – My poor, sweet, sensitive Tess. She’s looking up at me as though she’s in trouble. Or it could be one of her “what the hell are you doing to me now, woman” looks. Maybe I shouldn’t have put the headset on her. Then again, maybe it was because I took her Milkbone away. It laid there for three hours. If she wanted it, she should have eaten it.
If you have pictures of your pet with a controller, or ever decide to humiliate them in such a manner, please – by all means – send us the picture. You know I have a penchant for silly header images, so if you send me one, I will use it at some point. Promise.