Tag Archives: uwe boll

As appropriated from the great scribe and scholar Mr Bartholomew Simpson: Eat my shorts.

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A sombre shorts today.

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One of the things we are thankful for this Thanksgiving is that Alone in the Dark 2 was only produced by Uwe Boll and not directed by him – also that it has gone straight to DVD in the US.

Not like we’ll rent it or anything, or buy it for that matter – but some people will and those are the ones that should know all about it.

This time around, Edward Carby is played by Rick Yune (Ninja Assassin), and it also has the awesome Lance Henriksen and Danny Trejo in it.

Anyway, there ya go. It’s out in January.

Thanks, BigDownload.

IGN’s posted a trailer for Uwe Boll’s straight-to-DVD Far Cry movie. It’s after the break.

Looks OK! It’s got German people looking moody and an exploding helicopter. That’s all we ever want from anything, to be fair.

Take a look.

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Tunnel Rats, Uwe Boll’s excursion into the murky world of making an actual game, is now available on Steam.

Apparently, it’s “a dark and intense single-player shooter for PC that depicts the horrific realities of the Vietnam War as seen through the eyes of a young US soldier.”

£16 to you.

According to this Jersey Chronicle report, around 200 people walked out of a free screening of Uwe Boll’s Postal movie this week, apparently disquieted by an opening sequence in which terrorists hijack planes and attempt to fly them to the Bahamas instead of Manhattan.

The planes eventually hit the Twin Towers after passengers storm the cockpit.

“I did not like Uwe Boll’s perception of 9/11,” said Mat Levy, a man who appeared as “Cheezy” on season two of VH1′s celebrity dating show “I Love New York”.

“It’s too soon to mock a plane going into the World Trade Center. Do you not think there are families out there that had their loved ones killed on 9/11? It really upsets me that he couldn’t care less.”

Boll told the paper’s blog that, “We don’t spare any group. We don’t want to hurt anybody but we want to break the rules.

“We want to make people think: What is a taboo? We want to make people start thinking about their own boundaries and rules.”

For the record. “Cheezy”? You’re a clown.

Thanks, BingeGamer.

Michael Bay has sent a legal letter to Uwe Boll, telling him that he’s not going to fight him in Las Vegas, as the wild German movie director seems to think, and that unless he stops banging on about it he’s going to face legal consequences.

“His attorney wrote me that he’s not going to do it now,” said Boll in an interview with NYMag. “And I have to face, like, legal consequences if I say anymore that he will do it. But I got an e-mail first from his … fan club, I guess? They said he will do it, he’s going to kick your ass, and that was the reason I said the fight was on. But the reality is that it’s not going to happen.”

And that’s that.

US firm Stride gum is offering a pack of chewing gum to everyone that signs the petition to stop Uwe Boll directing movies, provided the 1 million mark is reached by May 23.

“Since gamers are one of our most supportive groups, we’ve been looking for ways to return the favor,” said Stride marketing director Gary Osifchin. “And what better way is there to get gamer’s backs than by helping them rescue their cherished videogames from the clutches of Uwe Boll?”

Apparently those that sign up will be able to download a coupon to get their gum if the target’s reached. More than 240,000 people have signed it so far.

According to this Kotaku story, Uwe Boll has posted a video saying Michael Bay has agreed to fight him in Las Vegas. According to the site, Boll has posted the following:

Hi here’s Uwe Boll, I’m very happy to say the fight is on. Boll Vs. Bay. It’s a rumble in the jungle 2, it will be in Kinshasa, Zaire. I think September 30th will be the fight. Boll against Bay. He agreed to do it, I’m very proud of it. So if you want to be live there you need ten tickets from Postal opening May 23rd. You bring these tickets and this will be the entry to the boxing fight, Boll against Bay. Or you can buy tickets on eBay or wherever else you can buy it, of course also, but I think the cheapest way is with the Postal tickets. OK, so Michael Bay, start training and I think you will go down to be honest. I think round three or round four you will go down in history, not only for the worst war movie ever: Pearl Harbor, no, also for the worst boxer in the ring against Uwe Boll ever. Thank you.

Bay’s publicist however, speaking on Bay’s official site, seems to be a little perplexed. And scared.

Just spoke to Mike, and it’s false. This guy is really creepy, he’s creeping me out.

BTW, Michael has never spoken to him and won’t speak to him. Mike has a movie to deliver for June 2009, unlike this idiot.

Boll doesn’t deserve press for his lame movie, so this is the last we talk about him in these forums. This press stunt will tank.

Movie after the link.

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Director Michael Bay clearly isn’t used to fighting on the internet. He’s posted on a forum in response to game-film director Uwe Boll’s offer of a boxing match, a message that might just provoke yet another video from the German by calling him a “fucking idiot”.

Can we stop talking about this guy! I never even heard his name till last week when he made threats and rants. The guy is a fucking idiot, making threats to me, Clooney, Eli Roth, says he has a doctorate – but uses the word “retard” in his vocabulary, come on. When you look at his videos, what is interesting are the backgrounds. I guess his low rent offices, with 15 year old 3/4 machines, archaic computers, this is just some dumb chump trying to get some fame when he has none, so he has to make Youtube lame quality anger rants. Guy just want attention because he can’t get any for the so called movies he makes. Nothing sadder when he had his screening in LA to an over half empty movie house.

He is a troubled soul – let’s just waste time on talking about him please.

M

Yeah. Michael, maybe don’t do that. We await Boll’s next “move” with bated breath.

Taking the term “troll” to a commendable meta-level, games-movie overlord Uwe Boll has asked Michael Bay for an organised boxing match in a video you can find after the link.

This all comes after Boll called Bay a “fucking retard” a while back, to which Bay responded by calling Boll a “sad being”.

Passes the time, innit. Watch it yourself.

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Uwe Boll has revealed that he approached Blizzard about doing a World of Warcraft movie and got shot down immediately.

“I got in contact with Paul Sams of Blizzard, and he said, ‘We will not sell the movie rights, not to you… especially not to you,’” Boll told MTV. “Because it’s such a big online game success, maybe a bad movie would destroy that ongoing income, what the company has with it.”

Never mind, Uwe. It’s not the end of the world. Of Warcraft.

We think it was supposed to be a joke, but whatever. Directors Michael Bay and Eli Roth have responded to Uwe Boll’s little outburst yesterday, in which he claimed he wasn’t a “fucking retard,” unlike the aforementioned.

“I find people who rant like that – calling shit about both me, and George Clooney – comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being,” said Bay in a widely reported email.

Eli Roth has also apparently now said he views Boll’s comments as the “greatest compliment ever”, which is probably more in line with the spirit of the matter.

Uwe Boll, following Monday’s petition to stop him making any more movies, has responded by making a video in which he tells his h8torz that he’s not a “fucking retard”.

“Look, I’m not a fucking retard like Michael Bay, or other people running around in that business,” he said, “or Eli Roth, making the same shitty movies over and over again. If you really look at my movies you will see my real genius… You have to really wake up and see me [for] what I am: I’m the only genius in the whole fucking business.”

You make the days go faster, Uwe. Go see him swear.

A sure-to-be-incredibly-effective internet petition entitled Stop Uwe Boll has popped up.

The mission of the poll is to stop Boll – creator of such masterpieces as ‘Alone in the Dark’, ‘House of the Dead’ and the soon to be released ‘Far Cry’ – “directing, producing, or taking any part in the creation of feature films.”

Apparently, Uwe will actually listen if the tally reaches over 1 million. Which it won’t.

Interested? Go sign.

By Mike Bowden

He probably doesn’t really, but this is a good quote nonetheless.

“Spielberg gets sloppy,” said Boll, on the subject of his new movie, an adaptation of Postal. “We saw that with War of the Worlds (why the f**k the older brother survived?) and also in parts of Jaws, E.T., Munich etc.! My performance in Postal as ‘Nazi Theme Park Owner’ outperforms easily Ben Kingsley in Schindler’s List!”

Apparently, he’s going to “destroy Indiana Jones at the box office.” Yes you are, Uwe. Yes you are.

Here. It’s from Uwe Boll, so all teh internets are saying it’s shit, but we can’t get it to load so we have no idea. You’re not a sheep: make up your own mind.