Tag Archives: nonsense

A spurious video doing the rounds today is claimed to come from a guy who “gained access” to the Xbox 360s set up for Call of Duty XP. It supposedly reveals new Modern Warfare 3 intel, but is mainly just good for a laugh.

More »

According to this Kotaku story, a US court has refused to certify the proposed settlement class of the Hot Coffee lawsuit as too few people were offended by the matter for it to… matter.

This means that Rockstar may not have to settle the case at all.

As you’ll recall, it was announced in June that a mere 2,676 people had signed up to claimed their $35 from Rockstar as a result of being traumatised by the image of a virtual man having sex with a virtual woman in GTA: San Andreas.

Just goes to show.

Have a front page? Hold it. Stop all presses while you’re at it. A Japanese retailer has posted a description of what Afrika actually is, meaning those endless, dreary dark nights of the soul are o-o-over: it’s a game where you trot in air balloons and take photographs.

Apparently, “As a photojournalist for the foot, by car, sometimes trotting air balloon… Stare hard, looking for the find… In some cases, the bent leg, throbbing heart of it.”

Double-awesome.

“Forget that when the earth and play with fun and excitement. Very SAFARI! It is also nice new place to aim at the same leisurely stop at a well. My foot, by jeep, sometimes in a balloon. Many animals unusual behavior, such as ‘AFRIKA’ variety show will look to meet, fun approach.”

SCEE doesn’t want this. Buy it from Japan anyway. Baffle yourself.

Sega’s let press near the upcoming Rambo arcade game, which looks far too much like a modern Operation Wolf that is good for it. The title’s based on the movies of yore, apparently, and not the recent fourth instalment in Sly’s “great work”. It’ll be hitting arcades in September.

Check out Arcade Heroes for a brief report, photos and shots.

After the link. We’re not even sure which game it is, if we’re being honest. Looks like some bastardised Japanese version of Mario World. The whole thing’s been set to music with shell-bouncing sound effects happening eerily in synch. It’s 7.30am on a Bank Holiday. You owe it to yourself to watch it.

More »

This is going to run and run. Not content with banning the word “gay” in GamerTags, Microsoft has stopped a Mr Cummer from using his name on Xbox Live.

With all due respect, this is beyond parody.

“I wasn’t offended,” Cummer, a Canadian, told The Globe and Mail. “I understand the reasoning. I wasn’t trying to be offensive, but there are people more sensitive and much younger than I who are on Xbox Live. I think it’s reasonable.”

Nothing we can say would make any of this more ridiculous. It’s the modern age applying a 1984 filter to entertainment one sex-related surname at a time.

On CVG. Looks shit, but it’s Rambo and Sega, so nothing can possibly go wrong. Apparently this is going to release this autumn in Japan. No idea if this will ever make it west, or, indeed, if it would matter if it did.

In a poll of 2,000 Britons, gaming has emerged as a preferable bedroom activity to sex. According to this, the top ten bedroom pastimes in UK household, by minutes spent doing them per week, are:

1. Sleep (3,150)
2. Talking (193)
3. TV (132)
4. Net surfing (122)
5. Reading (114)
6. Listening to music (105)
7. Using phone (81)
8. Work (77)
9. Computer games (57)
10. Sex (35)

We have nothing to add.

According to this, the UK retail chain Dixons is after developers to it can start publishing its own games.

“We’re going out to the development community and saying that DSG are publishing games,” said the group’s head of international buying and consoles, David Johnson. “The content will be PC and casual game-based, although we’d also love to develop into the mobile space. We’re working on a publishing model that will have a retail product and a download product. I’d also love to get a successful product and take it to the platform holders so we can get it on Xbox Live or PlayStation Network.”

Next up: the moon’s made of cheese and pigs only fly at night. What’s the world coming to?

This is about the Friday afternoon level. “Troubled soccer legend Paul Gascoigne has yet another addiction – to his Nintendo Wii,” said this.

“Gazza, 40, has been spending hours on end locked in a hotel room playing on the computer console. He even pesters staff to play against him. The ex England star, who has battled alcohol problems, is recovering from a hip op and has been staying at a £240-a-night Newcastle hotel. But he stays in to play bowling, tennis and boxing games which involve making physical movements to strike a ball or punch with a hand-held controller.

“A hotel source said: ‘He hasn’t been out of his room for days.’”

He hasn’t been out of his room for days because he can’t walk. Not because he’s addicted to Wii Sports. This country.

Next stop, the moon. EA’s just announced plans to hit $6 billion in sales by 2011. CEO John Riccitiello said this was a target, and not guidance, but shares jumped over 5 percent in trading on the news.

Wall Street does not have a forecast that far into the future, but for the fiscal year ending in March 2010 analysts polled by Thomson Financial expect $5.13 billion in sales from EA.

Family values idiot-paper, The Daily Telegraph, “The Daily Mail with more syllables”, has launched a fantastic attack on Tanya Byron, the ex-TV psychologist charged with compiling a government report on violent games and child internet use.

In an editorial titled ” Tanya Byron, splatting aliens and sociopaths”, Jim White writes, “I may not be a television psychologist, but it seems to me the issue here is a pretty simple one: legislate fiercely to ensure that the uglier, nastier, sadistic end of the games market cannot gain distribution and then step back and stop worrying about the rest.

“Ms Byron’s report has not yet been released, but it seems from pre-publication leaks that she takes a different approach, one that will involve nannying ourselves into a state of sustained alarm about the nature of these games.”

White then goes on to say that Byron’s possible recommendation that parents should be mindful of the games their children plan and only let them play games in places where they can view screens “is completely to misunderstand who plays computer games.

“They are overwhelmingly the preserve of adolescent boys who, thrilled with the idea that they have managed to purloin an 18 certificate, will simply find a way to sidestep the family screen, and slip off to the privacy of their darkened room in order to fiddle with their joystick.”

Hey, Jim. Loads of us are in our 30s and 40s. But you knew that, because you’re publishing editorial about videogames, right? Maybe you should have even the tiniest clue what you’re talking about before you put your name to words. You ridiculous, snotty twat.

We love Peggle. So it comes as great news that the upcoming XBLA version will include online multiplayer options. We think this means two of you will be able to watch something happen that you have virtually no control over simultaneously, but that would just be cynical. There’s a movie through the link explaining everything.

This is the last story we write about Peggle. According to this, a previous confirmation that nonsense, random, depressing casual game Peggle is coming to DS isn’t true.

“We have ambitious plans for many of our titles including Peggle, and are eager to bring its peg-popping pleasures to as many appropriate platforms and devices as possible,” said PopCap’s Greg Canessa in a press release, “but Nintendo has not approved this product, we have not signed a developer to port Peggle to DS, and we have not green lighted this project.”

In a word: “whoops”.

So says this. We’re only posting this because we have to. Apparently a chap in Amsterdam told Pocket Gamer that ridiculous Peggle thing’s going to be launched on DS. We still don’t understand the fascination with this. But then we’re not 40 year-old women, so that probably explains it.

Not so great. Two Kansas City women have been held at gunpoint by two men in their home, who were apparently looking for money and drugs. When they realised they’d broken into the wrong house, they stole a Wii instead. Good work, robber people.

“The masked men held Robinson and her cousin at gunpoint,” said this report. “‘They were looking for drugs and money and said, “Aw, we got the wrong house,”‘ Robinson said.”

The masked men tried to make good their efforts by nicking the best things that came to hand, namely a Wii and a laptop. Bet they high-fived all the way home.

You couldn’t make this up. Kotaku posted a quote from a recent Wired interview with David Jaffe yesterday as news, in which the first thing the God of War developer said, in response to a question about Mario Kart, was, “You know, honestly, I’ve been too busy recently trying to figure out why the fuck go-karts shoot banana peels.”

The interview was about Twisted Metal, Sony’s apocalyptic car combat game and Jaffe’s other big hit, as a precursor to the release of Twisted Metal Head-On: Extra Twisted Edition in the US next week. Predictably, the reaction to Jaffe’s comment – an obvious joke – was “strong”.

“You know, Jaffe,” said one Kotaku comment on the news piece, “I’ve been too busy recently trying to figure out how the fuck a clown can drive an ice cream truck while his head’s on fire.”

Jaffe has now responded in the way only Jaffe would: by swearing a lot in a video on the internet. You add a little colour to the grey, David. Don’t go changing.

We don’t really have the words, so we’re just going to cut and paste this. God help us all.

EMMERDALE stars want to take on rival soaps in an online Olympics after being treated to a Nintendo Wii by TV bosses.

Matthew Wolfenden, 27, who plays bed hopping rogue David Metcalfe said: “It’s great as we’ve got a new games room and we love playing ten pin bowling and tennis on the Wii.

“I’m not that good myself, but I’m getting in plenty of practice – Matthew Bose who plays Paul Lambert is the highest scorer.

“It’s fantastic as you can play the games online so I think it’s time for a soap championship against Corrie, EastEnders and Hollyoaks.

“The only problem is that we’re late on set as we love playing the Wii so much!”

A man grown (sort of) rich chipping consoles and flogging PSP memory cards has been collared by trading standards, who found £12,000 in cash stuffed in an Xbox and three PS2s.

“I’ve heard it all now,” said Michael Rawlinson, managing director of ELSPA. “It never ceases to amaze ELSPA and its investigators the lengths criminals go to make money – and always to the detriment of honest, hard working businesses. I congratulate Tower Hamlets Trading Standards on bringing to an end this illegal business operation.”

That’s one example of pesky pirate scum that won’t be stuffing his Xbox full of money again. Great job, Tower Hamlets Trading Standards.

Japanese demo pods of Wii’s Super Smash Bros. Brawl are now in the public domain, so all hope of everyone shutting up about the frigging game are now officially out of the window. Loads of movies here, should you either care or just want to see what the “kids” are getting so excited about.