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Gamescom 2014 show report: ultras never die

Monday, 18 August 2014 09:34 GMT By Patrick Garratt

Gamescom 2014 was a busy show. Pat condenses the week.

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       Mosquitoes bit my knees. Scratch through my jeans over a conversation about the media, how it doesn’t work anymore unless you’re in entertainment and then only if you have scale everyone’s getting fired. The editor nods from behind a foot-high beer hijabi berates a man on wet cobbles. Pay separately. I rub my eyes and push my glasses back onto the top of my head.
       I fucking hate websites, I say.

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       My name’s Patrick Garratt.
       I recognise that.
       I was supposed to speak at GDCE yesterday. On a panel. I made a mistake. I only arrived yesterday evening. Robin Williams.
       Oh, it’s you. A hurricane couldn’t move his hair. His New York agency never responds sucks back on his cheeks. Yes, I heard your name used a lot yesterday. Red streamers well from the tear in his throat pumping squid tentacles protest from the bath’s reddening surface.
       Yes, well. Do you have the password for internet access?
       This time he has a gift for me and prints my pass without seeing a business card or passport. I thank him so much a smile with eyes and teeth. Nothing says gamescom so much as masturbating alone in a hotel room German television set.

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       She’s having a second breakfast fisting room. The fisters and the fistees. A boy in a cage.
       Do you think it’ll do well?
       I’m not sure I want to answer that question here. She smirks into a black tea.
       I’m just walking around with you. Are you going to do some work?
       This is for gamescom. This is GDCE.
       Can I register for GDCE?
       It’s quite expensive, I’m afraid.
       I’m press.
       You’re press.
       Yes.
       Then you’re at the wrong window. You need to go over there.
       I’m going to tell you all the secrets. I’ve already told him it’s a Gaza-free zone. Currywurst in the shadow of the Dom but traveller dogs eat ice cream. We have our big reveal at seven. I’ve come back from holiday going to meet my family again once it’s over. A strawberry doughnut with a green heart.
       That’s the thing about boats, I say. You can’t get off whenever you like.
       Cologne taxis, blanched yellow frustrated, thunder towards the rising sun.

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       Like seagulls on a landfill tearing plastic bags apart. Triple hotdog and onions ketchup circling the table praying to the tray of endlessly refilling baps. I’m chairing a panel in there later I’d like to see it. Bloodborne stood out pierced eyes drift middle distance. What else? What do you think about that? It isn’t in the best interest of the players.

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       White hair houndstooth. Metal cube skids on the black floor. I’m glad that happened. Wrinkled giant, pudding and chips and a cup of tea the Welsh smoker. Ten million. He’s so sharp. Chocolate triangles and espresso. Cheese bread and egg glistening pastries so large you only buy half. I don’t have enough t-shirts no fear on the back no wonder they’re eight euro. No need to ask cosplayers Assassin’s Creed on the platform cardboard throwing knives.
       We’ll see you at our booth?
       No doubt.
       Fucking monkey struggling to get the apple juice straw into his mouth. I’m not your type. Slot FIFA. Need to move Halo.

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       I always believed the interview would start at ten fifty but before the show she sent me an email saying it was ten twenty so that’s when I arrive. She sends me another email at ten nineteen asking me if I’m fine for the ten fifty, and I say I am. Driver fingers the dented edge. The Media Molecule team a snake nest of iOS wires and as many coloured wrist-bands as possible green leopard leggings dazed overwork. Rex pushes screens into a yellow drawstring bag and glasses onto the bridge of his nose. Siobhan’s Thinkpad frayed with orange post-it gold weight earrings and pale blinking lack of sleep.
       Two years ago. Pork knuckle.

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       Susan smiles and crosses her legs.
       Take a seat, she says. I’m from Central.
       Cartilage appendages creep from his skull, which shows dirty through splits in smoking green skin. He thrashes, barely able to keep himself on the leather seat thanks to excretions of a thick viscous liquid reminiscent of mushroom distillation. He spits a tooth, smashing sopping hands so hard onto the desk that he loses a finger. It snaps off at the knuckle, sliding to rest beside a hotel-branded water glass and what is ostensibly my seat. His single eyeball swivels in its socket, dropping popped veins on his cheek. His shoulders shake as he whimpers.
       There’s been some kind of mistake, I say.
       Susan pushes permed hair behind her ear and shuts an eye in question.
       Begin, he screams.
       I set my recorder and sit. Are you well? You don’t seem to be very well.
       He vomits on the table and pulls at this chest with one hand plays with chunks of sick with the other wails palm on heart. Susan writes notes on a lined pad great discussion point please he howls please blood jets onto the cream carpet no spoilers please I’ll have to check that Julia will help you will see the bottom of the pits of all the hells amazing visuals, bare bones sliding up my inner thigh please.
       I’d like to thank you for your time, sir.
       You’re very welcome.
       Of all the people I didn’t want to be late for.
       I know where we can get free food and drink.
       Do you want to get a coffee?
       Ein kleinen.
       These updates will be rolling out towards the end of this year but I’m not sure of the specific packaging. Punching the surface Windows 8 they’re chocolates, actually. We’ll believe you stream. I’ve done my fair share of moaning here although it appears it’s coming back next year. I really like the live stuff, actually. You’re glowing. I think there’s a fear element there, that it’s an admission of failure green. I don’t agree with you at all. Shall we arrange to do something later? Sure. Did you see the demo this morning? I didn’t. Did you manage to play the game on the show-floor? I didn’t, but I’ll certainly try. Disgust, terror and horror. We would say we’re mainstream we have a fear machine. Disgust. I wouldn’t say we were an extreme product but you can work these elements together in the right stick menu to create new bolts for the crossbow. Good to see you. LinkedIn’s trying to congratulate me on a work anniversary muscle car and I think we all understand the notion of winning at this point. We have to do it, Patrick. Two doubles and a Redbull. What you’re saying is that you should support us if you like the content and I wouldn’t talk about the concept of removing advertising at all.
       Sunset Overdrive is an open world shooter it is mature it is set in a post-apocalyptic world but maybe the kind of post-apocalyptic world you’re not used to seeing er the end times do not have be grey they do not have to suck you can have the awesomepocalypse which is what we have in Sunset Overdrive you are an inhabitant of Sunset City the year is 2027 Fizzco is the dominant corporation in the city it has released an energy drink called Overcharge Delirium XT it has rushed the drink through the approval process and at Horror Night that is the moment that the drink is released at a launch party with massive unintended consequences so the citizens that drink it at the launch party turned into mutants the apocalypse has begun in Sunset City you must survive alongside other survivors in the world you get to be who you want to be your previous lifestyle as a comic-book-reading video game junkie actually pays off and that is why it’s your personal awesomepocalypse we’re going to meet another faction who are experiencing the end of times in their own way they are called Troop Bushido there’s a group of adult adventure scouts who are holed-up inside the Japanese Heritage Museum and they have adopted Bushido code James will introduce you to them more formally.
       Art direction. Iconic beard.
       Same-sex relationships power technology long time. Baffled. I’m thinking of going to Amsterdam this weekend. I haven’t been before by train. You’ll have a great time lipstick peeling at the back. This game means a lot to me.
       Games that matter or fuck off.
       Passed the Pat test.
       You’ve been delayed. His smile falters.
       It’s been a good thing. Double pass. New particle system. A new renderer. Ice snow rain puddles windy monkey.
       Were you in the session this morning?
       I have to warn you I’m hardly a Dragon Age aficionado.
       That’s fine, he says.
       I was nearly a Lamborghini and I still don’t have a Ferrari.
       You have to work and you don’t have a Ferrari. Life isn’t fair.
       We have to ask.
       A little boy with glass eyes was good until he opened his mouth. The heart in the tree was Welsh. They need to chill the fuck out on the British regional accents, although I don’t see why.
       How did you find this place?
       It was open.
       You’re never far from a match.
       Green rollerskates. Juicy dreams. Dom spaceship. I’m separated. Nevada. One casino. Is it too strong? Empty the jug taxes on the bar sexy motherfucker. Sweet or sour? Pink. Out. I am man, yeah. Where are you? Even then we lost eighty percent of our staff the games media at the moment is very hard. One game supposed to build a business on that? Want a sausage? Mustard yeah doesn’t fit into your plan. Now we get to the meat. I mean, I play every day in my personal time. At work I play on Xbox One and PC but at home I play on Xbox One. Deg tunnel extend.
       I’m going to be here for a couple of hours at least. Every time they call I assume one of them’s dead.
       Mate mate mate Cheggers slithers past, powered by shit golf ball eyes streaming piss he won’t look.
       Buckets of popcorn and Winstons. It’ll do you good to stand in a queue. Press. Presse. It’s not possible butterfly back. Touring plan. I’m not even sure what it means anymore. All I need is capture and no one will give it to me. Nothing really. Just going to clear up my appointments and go home. Write a feature. Centre-right but I don’t agree with any of them. Put a duvet over your head when enough I know it sounds stupid lapel mic. I don’t have a match use the end of your shoelace. You can flick it in the river if anything happens although it is decriminalised in Germany up to five grams. There’s no tobacco in that. The old fella raises his eyebrows water smiles. Yellow lights came second, and the difference between myself and the winner was ridiculous. Raindrops replace any golden sheen. The service is great here pot in the dark bridge leads into the Hauptbahnhof crawl German blue rinse I’m English. I’m English. Welcome back. She looks at the floor. Larry struts past in a pink gingham shirt.

wes

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       Chestnut bob cheekbone frame. To hold her arm. To make a life. Rhododendrons fill pineapple t-shirts. A brown leather handbag leaks roses as it circles the stair. Ultras never die.

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    Microsoft is celebrating May 4 by showing off concept designs for Star Wars-themed Xbox One controllers. May 4 is of course Star Wars Day and the controller concepts you’re about to see are just that, concepts. Or at least that’s what they said they are. There are four designs and they don’t look very practical. […]

  • Project Cars launch trailer is an anthology of race cars, set to the beats of Deadmau5

    Project Cars comes out this week and there’s just enough time for one last trailer. Project Cars, Slightly Mad Studios’ ambitious racer that has been in development for ages, is finally coming out this week. The racer received plenty of changes throughout its development based on community feedback and the final product will be in […]

  • Star Wars Battlefront dev reveals planet Sullust

    Sullust, a planet that has not been previously shown, will be featured in one of Star Wars Battlefront’s maps. Star Wars Battlefront developer DICE revealed today that planet Sullust will be one of the game’s locations. The planet was mentioned in the films and other Star Wars works, but was only shown today. DICE posted […]

  • Destiny House of Wolves: Tower vendor changes

    House of Wolves will change the inventory of some of Destiny’s vendors and add new roles to others. Here’s everything that has been announced so far. You know that House of Wolves will bring a new social space to the game in the form of The Reef. But did you also know that the good […]

  • Nintendo apologises for Amiibo shortages, will reissue some out-of-stock figures

    Nintendo released a statement today to apologise for fan’s frustrations in finding some Amiibo figures and promised to handle distribution better going forward. Nintendo has been criticised recently for its lack of communication when it comes to new Amiibo figures. Something which has lead fans to not know if certain figures are limited to some […]

  • Halo: MCC “a black eye for us,” Halo 5 won’t suffer the same fate, says franchise director

    The development of Halo: The Master Chief Collection was of an “outrageous complexity,” which was one of the reasons it suffered a horrible launch. None of that will happen with Halo 5: Guardians, according to Frank O’Connor. Frank O’Connor, Halo franchise development director opened up to Xbox Achievements about the difficult task of developing The […]

  • Destiny House of Wolves: weapon Reforging explained

    When House of Wolves drops in a couple of weeks, you’ll be able to change the stats of some in-game weapons. This process is called ‘Reforging’. Alex goes over all the details Bungie revealed about the new Reforging system. This covers the materials you need, the weapons that can be reforged and much more. Make […]

  • GTA 5 PC: control the in-game phone with your iPhone using this mod

    GTA 5′s latest mod lets you control the in-game phone with your real-life iPhone. Reddit user Planetleak wanted to see if he would succeed in getting his iPhone to control the phone in GTA 5. He did it and has a video to prove it. It’s not a mod per-se, but it emulates mouse and […]

  • SoulCalibur dev wants to know fans’ favourite characters for “something huge”

    SoulCalibur developers are probably working on a new game, because they’re asking fans to vote on their favourite characters. Project Soul, the longtime developer of the SoulCalibur series is soliciting feedback on fans’ favourite characters. The developer said as much in a post on its Facebook page. “Calling all SoulCalibur Fans! Project Soul would like […]

  • Jason Voorhees doesn’t look out of place in new Mortal Kombat X trailer

    Jason Voorhees comes to Mortal Kombat X starting tomorrow and it’s time to celebrate his arrival. Jason Voorhees, the first DLC character for Mortal Kombat X has been given the trailer treatment. Jason is part of the game’s Kombat Pack, owners of which can start using him tomorrow, May 5. Being an iconic horror character, […]

  • Dragon Age: Inquisition – Dragonslayer DLC announced, free to all this week

    Dragon Age: Inquisition is getting a multiplayer expansion this week. BioWare has announced that all owners of Dragon Age: Inquisition will receive a new multiplayer expansion, for free. The expansion is called Dragonslayer and it’s centred around fighting dragons, hence the name. Three new playable characters will join the roster as you explore an all-new […]

  • Sonder is still happening, and this is the best news of the week

    Sonder is a really interesting-looking new indie adventure, which I am quite excited to remember exists. We first heard about Sonder in late 2013, when its debut trailer introduced us to a Kamai Media’s ambitious vision. In the intervening months Kamai has been hard at work on its space station management sim slash non-linear narrative […]

  • Twitter axes playable Internet Archive embeds

    The dream has died: Twitter has disabled Internet Archive game embeds. Remember how for a few days you could tweet a link to an a game on the Internet Archive and it was playable direct from that tweet? Well, Twitter has cancelled that. All those tweets now just show links. GamesIndustry suspects it has something […]

  • Lords of the Fallen, Divinity: Original Sin developers will reveal new games at E3 2015

    Lords of the Fallen developer Deck13 and Divinity: Original Sin developer Larian Studios have new projects in the works which will be revealed at E3 2015. Publisher Focus Home Interactive is behind both new games. In a French press release [PDF] spotted by RPG Codex, Focus said it will show off the two unrevealed titles […]

  • Rare game announce expected at E3 2015

    Rare’s new game will be shown off at E3 2015, apparently. Rare hasn’t announced a reveal, and neither has Microsoft, but it looks like the news has slipped out anyway. IGN cites a tweet from Rare creative director Simon Woodroffe in which he says that a new project from Rare designer Gregg Mayles will be […]

  • Batgirl expansion included in $40 Batman: Arkham Knight season pass

    Here’s what you get in the $40 Batman: Arkham Knight season pass. Batman: Arkham Knight’s season pass was announced last week, but apart from the news that it would cost a whopping $40/£33, we didn’t get many details of what it would include. Thankfully, Warner Bros. has since acknowledged the clamour this caused, as players […]

  • Star Wars Day Xbox sale discounts Force Unleashed, Lego games

    Star Wars Day is upon us, and here’s an Xbox sale to mark it. Microsoft is offering discounts on Xbox 360 games to celebrate May 4. From my desk here in Australia the sale is a bit light on content – two Lego games, plus The Force Unleashed and its DLC packs. Your mileage may […]

  • Here’s hoping this tease means we see Mass Effect at E3 2015

    Mass Effect boss Mike Gamble has shared a teaser image, which we’re more than happy to draw speculative conclusions from. The new Mass Effect game in the works at BioWare Edmonton is a mysterious beast. Judging by how long it’s been in development, it feels like we’re about due for a proper reveal, to clear […]

  • Watch almost a whole hour of Wolfenstein: The Old Blood

    Wolfenstein: The Old Blood is almost here. Are you ready for old-school shooter action? Wolfenstein: The Old Blood publisher Bethesda livestreamed almost an hour of the Machine Games shooter recently, and has now uploaded the archive to YouTube. Check it out below: Wolfenstein: The Old Blood launches digitally on PC, PS4 and Xbox One on […]

  • Splatoon lacks voice chat to promote a positive online experience

    Nintendo’s multiplayer game Splatoon will not contain a voice chat option in order to “focus on the positive aspects” of online gaming. Speaking in the latest issue of Edge magazine (thanks, GamesRadar), Splatoon co-director Yusuke Amano said personal experience with negativity in online voice chat was one of the main reasons for excluding the feature. […]

  • D4 on PC: differences from Xbox One version, system specs announced

    D4: Dark Dreams Don’t Die – Season 1 is coming to PC, and Access Games has provided a list of features different from the Xbox One version. We’ve pulled most of the changes off the game’s website and posted them below, along with the PC specs. D4 on PC Kinect gesture input controls replaced with […]

  • The Megalodon returns to Battlefield 4 with the latest CTE patch

    The Megalodon Easter Egg in Battlefield 4 may have been removed earlier this year from Naval Strike, but it has since resurfaced on the CTE with the latest patch. I’d make a Jaws reference, but it’s been done to death. The shark is shown in the video on the Paracel Storm map which was where […]

  • Survival horror game Kodoku has a new work-in-progress trailer

    Kodoku, the survival horror title from Carnivore Studio, has a new work-in-progress video available, showing you how the game is coming along. Announced for PlayStation 4 and Vita back in 2013, the game is slated for release sometime this year, and tasks the player with avoiding mythical Japanese ghosts using only magic and stealth. Thanks, […]

  • Current HoloLens prototype has noticeably “tighter” FoV compared to January build

    Microsoft’s augmented reality headset HoloLens is still very much in the prototype stage, according to various reports out of the Build Conference. Microsoft hasn’t discussed technical specs with the press yet as nothing is set in stone, but during a hands-on at Build, Ars Technica noticed the prototypes had a “x86 processor, 2GB RAM, 802.11ac […]

  • Silent Hills petition asking Konami to continue development has over 50,000 signatures

    A petition to save the Silent Hills game has been formed by fans in the hopes Konami will change its mind and bring the collaboration with Guillermo del Toro back from the dead. Konami confirmed on Monday the Silent Hill remake from film director Del Toro and Metal Gear’s Hideo Kojima had been cancelled, but […]

  • Attack on Titan has a US release date, title changed in EU over copyright claim

    Attack on Titan: Humanity in Chains will be released under a different title in Europe, according to the publisher, and while a release date has been set for North America, the same cannot be said for fans across the pond. According to Atlus, a copyright claim in Europe has forced the company to publish the […]

  • Yooka-Laylee meets final Kickstarter Stretch Goal in less than 24 hours

    The Kickstarter for Playtonic’s Yooka-Laylee sailed beyond its final £1 million ($1.5 million) Stretch Goal overnight, which will allow for a simultaneous release on all announced platforms. Once funded, Yooka-Laylee was slated for release on Linux, Mac, PC, PlayStation 4, Wii U, and Xbox One; however, a simultaneous release on all platforms wasn’t guaranteed unless […]

  • Not a Hero will miss its May 7 release date, but not by much

    Not a Hero will miss its May 7 release date, according to an announcement from Roll7. Not to worry though, it’s only by a week. According to the developer, the delay is due to “having undergone super-secret upgrades to crank shit up to 60fps.” The extra week will provide the additional time needed for tweaking […]

  • Assassin’s Creed, The Crew, Far Cry 4, other Ubisoft titles on sale through the Humble Store

    Ubisoft has put a number of its games on sale through the Humble Store. Franchises Assassin’s Creed and Far Cry are on discount as are single release titles. The list of games on sale are below. For pricing in your region, head over to the Humble Store. Anno 2070 Complete Edition Assassin’s Creed 3 Assassin’s […]

  • Payday 2: Repeater rifle, Peacemaker pistol introduced with The Butcher’s Western Pack

    Overkill Software released the 21st DLC pack for Payday 2 yesterday, titled The Butcher’s Western Pack. The pack will run you $4.99/€4.99 and other digital distribution channels. “For our 21st DLC we go back in time to visit the Wild West and the arsenal it was known for,” said the developers. “With it we’re introducing […]

  • The Yooka-Laylee Kickstarter just launched and has already met its funding goal

    Playtonic Games launched the Kickstarter campaign for Yooka-Laylee at 5pm UK, and in just over 30 minutes it already hit its $270,000 funding goal. You can watch the funding counter continue to roll over through the link. Yooka-Laylee is a 3D platformer where the characters use special moves such as Yooka’s tongue grapple and Laylee’s […]

  • Batch of hi-res Persona 5 screenshots released by PlayStation Japan

    A set of screenshots have been released for Persona 5, and while you’ve seen these before in magazines and on the official website, these are high-res versions. Some will even look familiar to those who watched the first gameplay trailer back in February. The shots were posted over on the PlayStation Japan Persona 5 game […]

  • Is Alien: Isolation getting HTC Vive support?

    Placeholder images for SteamVR icons have been found and it looks like there may be support for Alien: Isolation, so if you enjoy soiling yourself, get psyched! NeoGAF members found a thread on Reddit, where a little rooting around in a Steam directory unearthed the images. The list includes both games and apps, and as […]

  • Xbox Live multiplayer is free this weekend on Xbox 360

    Xbox 360 players in all Xbox Live regions can play multiplayer online for free this weekend. If you are a Silver member, this means you are Golden from May 1-3 and can play multiple games online with your buddies. All you have to do is log-in to Xbox Live.

  • Assassin’s Creed actor Michael Fassbender confirms film production starts September

    The Assassin’s Creed movie will start production this fall, actor Michael Fassbender (Prometheus, 300, X-Men:First Class) as confirmed. Speaking with ComingSoon.net, Fassbender said filming will start in September, which is inline with Ubisoft’s announcement in February. The actor will star in the film alongside Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard, both reuniting with their MacBeth director Justin […]

  • Eve Online boss states VR won’t be as big as we think next year

    I don’t think I’m the only one who wants VR to hurry up and manifest into a Sword Art Online-esque reality. Unfortunately, the chief executive officer at the studio behind Eve Online doesn’t think that will be happening any time soon. Talking to Venture Beat, Hilmar Veigar Pétursson touched on his excitement at the prospects […]

  • The Last of Us: Left Behind goes standalone in May on PS3, PS4

    Naughty Dog has announced that The Last of US DLC Left Behind will be released as a standalone experience next month. It can be purchased for both PlayStation 3 and PS4 through the PS Store and a two-hour demo of the Factions multiplayer will also be made available. “The Left Behind standalone game will have […]