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These are probably the best patch notes you’ll ever read

Wednesday, 4th June 2014 00:02 GMT By Brenna Hillier

Patch notes are almost always deeply boring, and we long ago decided we couldn’t be bothered with them. But Goat Simulator developer Coffee Stain Studios just demands attention with its creative efforts in this regard.

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The long-awaited, free parkour update for Goat Simulator was released today, and you should probably check out the accompanying trailer and grab it ASAP. That said, the patch notes are almost better than the (excellent) content of the update.

Goat Simulator is a pretty funny game but it’s not just the basic absurdity of a broken-physics sandbox starring a goat that makes it special. Coffee Stain has allowed its apparently pretty offbeat sense of humour shine through in the game’s various secrets and quirks, as well as its marketing.

To put this much glorious effort into path notes though? Well. That’s a whole different level. So rather than just running through the pertinent points and leaving you to do the rest, here are the full patch notes, direct from Steam, an I must insist you read the whole thing.

  • Added local splitscreen multiplayer
  • Added a new map, try it out in the “custom game” section
  • The humans have been given a brain with the cognitive abilities of a 4 year old
  • Humans consequently learned to speak. You’ll wish they hadn’t.
  • Added more goats
  • Isn’t this kid super cute?
  • Made fun of Michael Bay. Again. Please don’t sue.
  • Added more powers
  • Fixed the hitbox of flappy goat
  • Poured several buckets full of Optimization™ into the game
  • Made sure no class differences exists in Goat City Bay
  • Added tons of achievements
  • You can now run along walls
  • You can now run up walls
  • Stand by for Goatfall
  • Changed batteries in our fire alarm
  • The Goats have learned to ride bikes, press R to mount.
  • The Goats have learned to ride longboards, press R to mount.
  • The Humans have learned how to ride Goats
  • Enjoyed flappy goat
  • You can now buy hats for money
  • This woman made her skin look 20 years younger DOCTORS HATE HER click here
  • Fixed display of Int enchantments on crafted gear
  • Applying plastic wrap around your screen will now give you a 3D-effect.
  • Added VR support
  • Reverted hitbox of flappy goat
  • Made hitbox worse on flappygoat
  • Removed Flappy Goat, I hate that fucking game.
  • Got 11 points on Flappy Goat; readded Flappy Goat.
  • Spent more time writing jokes about Flappy Goat than working on the patch
  • Changed the points required for the Flappy Goat Achievement from 10 to 30
  • Just kidding.
  • Removed VR support
  • Ultra-realistic water simulation
  • Fire alarm still beeping
  • You can now swim. Well not really swim, more like float around in a semi-controlled buoyant propulsion fashion.
  • Added volume slider in options for NPC speech.
  • Deadmau5 has finally left EDM. Is now making Goatronica.
  • We went to see Godzilla. It was ok. Cool sound effects.
  • Updated patch notes.
  • Added a lot of new sound effects.
  • Mary had a little … GOAT!? Historians uncover new evidence, click here!
  • There is a new game inside of the game, it’s called SteamWorld Goat.
  • Honored Notch
  • Changed batteries in fire alarm. Again.
  • Wanted to add shadows to buildable blocks but couldn’t figure out how, can someone please tell us?
  • Patch notes now covers more than an A4.
  • Seriously stop making threads asking about patch notes 4 seconds after the patch goes live, calm down
  • Game downloading, does anyone have the patch notes?
  • New patch?
  • Patch released today does anyone know what it does
  • Where are the patch notes
  • Fire alarm still beeping
  • Why is the patch so big?
  • Lazy devs.
  • If you want we can zip it, then rar it to make it smaller. Do you want it on Megaupload?
  • Is this game worth it? Should I buy?
  • Devs please put the game on a sale so I can save 4 bucks
  • I don’t like ___, please add an option to remove ___
  • Performed Satanic rituals to summon Phil Fish
  • Plz come back
  • Actually optimized the game a bit
  • What use are ladders when you can run on the walls?
  • I hate water
  • Played a whole lot of Wildstar
  • Volvo pls fix ___.
  • Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
  • Added Uncle Goat, I’m sorry about my Goat.
  • Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
  • Added five new colors, all of which are unseeable by the human eye.
  • We actually bought a stuffed goat head IRL for our office, we have no idea what to do with it.
  • Updated our Meta Score to 91/100.
  • Killed PC gaming
  • How long will the patch notes be?
  • Changed batteries in the other fire alarm
  • Increased Storm Spirit’s Static Remnant AoE by 15.
  • Ride a bike with a human on your back. Not like this dude.
  • You can now play ragdoll goat hockey!

Personally I think Coffee Stain should submit this for a WGA award, as it’s certainly more amusing than most writing found in video games, amirite?

While you’re here, you should watch me play Goat Simulator. I’m terrific at it.

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1 Comments

  1. Tormenter

    “Volvo pls fix___.”

    LMAO

    #1 6 months ago

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