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Eurogamer Expo: what I done on me hollybobs

Wednesday, 3 October 2012 11:44 GMT By Patrick Garratt

Eurogamer Expo has grown into Britain’s largest and most prestigious games event, with this year’s show being an indisputable knock-out. Patrick Garratt gives his impressions of the first two days.

and David’s looking pretty much like he’s on strong weed, as is Tom Champion, wide-eye-slit-eye in the organisers’ office with their Moonie smiles and monosyllables but they manage to hand over an exhibitor pass so I

The colours have gone off, but Mark assures me it’s all intentional, that they’ve spent a lot more on lighting this year to eliminate all the dark corners. From up high in the Earl’s Court press centre Eurogamer Expo’s purple white and Rupert’s standing next to a station wrapped in plastic at the front of the hall looking as though he’s not having the best time in the world, red-eyed and shaky thanks to a security alert which pushed the entire set-up population out into the front of the building to stand disconsolately next to the gunless zebra policemen and a stickyback Carmaggedon vehicle Matt reckons health and safety will have a fucking fanny over, what with its bladed wheels, and David’s looking pretty much like he’s on strong weed, as is Tom Champion, wide-eye-slit-eye in the organisers’ office with their Moonie smiles and monosyllables but they manage to hand over an exhibitor pass so I can get Dave in before Sam turns up half an hour later moaning about his hotel room and something about Halo DLC and a cancelled interview. Internet’s expensive as fuck, some eight quid for four hours, but we can sit in the speckle-vision press room and rock into the official connection which is part of a 1Gb Mark made up but it’s fast and he reckons each stand gets four-to-eight-meg but he really has no idea, and what Rupert’s really shitting it over is his early morning live BBC interviews and the responsibility of showing Kojima round the show on a personal tour before his Metal Gear session in the morning. I tell him to wear his best jumper, but I don’t think he finds it funny he looks great on the telly in the morning and so does Ian and I’m

honestly proud of those guys and I can’t believe I used to work in Rupert’s garage when I see him later at the show before he does his Radio 5 interview he’s finally beaming says it happened quickly a bit of a blur and the lady from the BBC in the pinkest jacket in all the fucking world is cougar-dominating the pre-showshow they really hate the fuckingcarpet fuckingcarpet fuckingcarpet apparently you have to carpet every show every year because the actual floor of Earl’s Court is so disgusting it’s not fit for human feet and the carpet gets laid then thrown away every year and costs some kind of absurd amount of money and that’s probably not so great if you have to pay for it but what are you supposed to put the pods on Kev’s looking pretty much delirious trying to find some space for nine boxes of posters he’s having to sardine them into the madhouse of jokers there are some fucking tired marketing departments in here this morning; so I go to play Far Cry 3 first because Far Cry 3 has to be one of the most interesting games releasing anywhere on anything but I throw a grenade on the hang glider and the hang glider doesn’t explode which I don’t really get because surely if I actually did that I’d have bits of wings as opposed to wings but it’s a game so what the hey and letting the bear go to eat all the men seems to work especially because if you try to take them all on alone you get dead quickly even if you hide in a shed, and f’real? straight up? to be honest? there’s enough Far Cry in there to instantly make me feel happy so the whole don’t leave the mission area and the fact all the diamonds aren’t diamonds any more and everything’s just kind of on the map although I didn’t get to play it from the beginning so it may not be that way from the off and the constant XP notifications when you kill people is kind of fine because there’s awesome swimming and it looks fucking beautiful on the highest settings and I get shown the entire map which is obviously large but there’s no GPS but then I can’t really blame them because they’re in the business of selling video games and they had to balance the good stuff from two with

the fact that people like Call of Duty up and down up and down every time I pass the window there appear to be more people on the stairs an endless snakes bulging swallowing an antelope slowly pushing it through don’t film the screens MGS Rising is so addictive immediately there’s a load of story bullshit I don’t give a fuck about but Kojima made it so it’s hardly surprising though the combat itself is slicing targets tacked onto Platinum kicking flying attached to a remote controlled rocket characters so fucking stupid and it stops you every 12 seconds to speak really slowly at you but the Raiden design and that intro sequence when she lands on the beach is awesome but quite why they need all this fucking moral nonsense is beyond me it’s for children I mean seriously we’re all fucking grown ups yeah and if these people were really people they’d hardly be discussing the moral implications of chopping people to pieces in a fucking combat zone but as I said it’s Hideo and Hideo’s Hideo so everyone has to stand around talking for 400 fucking hours while the enemies wait for you in the next street Tomb Raider is one of the most engaging demos I’ve ever played and without doubt one of the most intriguing concepts we will have seen in the last few years in console gaming and it’s got fuck-all with Lara having tits and far more to do with the fact that Crystal Dynamics is trying to go all-out in creating a genuine survival story from the ground up with everything you’d expect from Lara in terms of jumping and other movement aspects and my hair stands up and I feel adrenaline and that’s no small feat in a room full of 6,000 people while you’re being watched by a queue so engrossed was I in fact that when I finished the demo HUNTING DEMO FINGERPRINTED TO EUROGAMER EXPO which was apparently the same

code seen before in which Lara kills a deer and ends with a run-through of the E3 trailer that Kojima seriously can’t be 50 years old but he is and he’s wearing a sparkly t-shirt and he watched the moon landings live. Zeroes looks better on a large screen with large speakers, as you’d expect, than it does on YouTube shakycam and Dave got a bunch of new stuff out of it he reckoned level-based is open-world and it sort of isn’t we’re kidnapping the rules and taking them the france we’re punching the rules in the face and getting them tattooed on our necks we do two now i’m french no problem i’m PR Ellie does a great job of the session and Expo in general seems higher stakes than in 2011 the livestreaming works Frank O’Connor can’t watch himself on video and can’t bear to listen to himself speak so I joke he has an acute confidence issue and I don’t think he finds it very funny. That’s life. Kojima’s a rockstar rockstar rockstar in sequins talking about the future of games and big enough to mean it says he’s making the next MGS online component in LA and you can build bases in Zeroes, which is a big deal apparently, but the footage is all TGS despite its super-quality and the session’s for the London Games Festival opening and drinks reception full of people I don’t know and a few I do including Andy OBE and his purple jumper who’s as charming as ever and Matt and Rachel and Dan and Mark from Warner who’s going on a fishing trip and may have to kill a fish onto the opening of the LGF and Keith Guardian and Stuart MCV doing the GamesAid stuff and Cat giving out cheques and a lady from a benefitting charity who makes us sit then stand and, to be honest, my legs are pretty much rigid from working the show all day and it hurts to do so: I have to hold an empty orange juice glass for the entire presentation and clap a folded hand on the top of my arm instead of clapping my hands together for the speakers and charities end up drinking far too much Diet Coke and eating soggy spring rolls and some kind of fried balls of meat which have no structure and are full of fat scare the shit out of Rachel with Ellie by recounting birth-based horror stories and meet the US GI guys then day two the ZombiU line’s oneandthreequarter hours already and it’s only elevenoclock it’s Colin and Joe who couldn’t get into the Kojima session James said they turned a thousand people away in the end but he was pissed and not sure if he wasn’t a bit upset about having to be the guy that didn’t let people in conflict conflict conflict he called me an arsehole under his breath and told me the wrong day no idea what’s going on there you need an editor conservative creativity publishing can’t get the fucking band off and no idea how to get into the show there’s so many people outside make my meeting with seconds to go then forty minutes of politics there got it off so now this woman opposite speaking a crazy mix of Arabic and English playing solitaire on her iPad we’re in the tunnel to France and she’s finally fallen roamless 3G je reviens.

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10 Comments

  1. Chockster

    And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how you get a million visitors to come to your website.

    Don’t go changing, Pat ;)

    #1 3 years ago
  2. Hunam

    I just think Pat needs a stern punch in the face tbh.

    #2 3 years ago
  3. Patrick Garratt

    /bows

    #3 3 years ago
  4. Joe Anderson

    Woo Pat mentioned me, although we couldn’t get in to see Kojima :( He was too popular. If fact there were so many people queuing to see him they were all blocking the press room, I nearly missed my interview haha.

    #4 3 years ago
  5. RandomTiger

    Comment deleted

    #5 3 years ago
  6. cullydk

    Another great piece Pat, thanks.

    #6 3 years ago
  7. Colin Gallacher

    I’m not called Chris :(

    #7 3 years ago
  8. Patrick Garratt

    Changed it. Sorry :(

    #8 3 years ago
  9. Christopher Jack

    I’M Chris :)

    #9 3 years ago
  10. absolutezero

    Oh Rupert.

    #10 3 years ago

Comments are now closed on this article.

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    This week’s Team of the Week is now available for anyone to challenge in FIFA Ultimate Team. The team members get selected each week based on their performance during the weekend matches. You can fire up FIFA Ultimate Team on any platform and challenge this squad. You’ll also find some Team of the Week items […]

  • Deus Ex: Mankind Divided will let you stealth all encounters, including bosses

    Deus Ex: Mankind Divided will bring back one of the original game’s major features. Deus Ex: Human Revolution is considered by many to be a great game and worthy of bearing the franchise name. One of its grating issues though was its boss fights. You only had one way to fight them: be confrontational. The […]

  • Project Cars PC specs and supported wheels announced

    The release date of Project Cars is inching ever closer and more details have been revealed to answer all your burning questions. Project Cars developer Slightly Mad Studios has revealed the full list of supported steering wheels on all platforms, as well as the minimum and recommended PC specs. Minimum specs CPU – 2.66 GHz […]

  • GTA 5 gets custom FOV mod on PC

    Those not satisfied with GTA 5′s built-in field of view slider can use a new mod to push the number even further. The PC versions of GTA 5 – just like its PS4 and Xbox One counterparts – lets you switch between third and first-person view in shooting and driving. The game has an FOV […]

  • Win! GTA 5 on PC!

    Want to win a Steam key for Grand Theft Auto 5 on PC? Just enter here. GTA 5 released on PC this week and is going down a storm. We like it a lot, which is why we’re giving away a Steam code for Rockstar’s latest. All you need to do is enter your email […]

  • GTA 5 topples Skyrim’s record for highest concurrent players on Steam

    Not factoring in Valve games, GTA 5 is the new king of concurrent player numbers on Steam. GTA 5 is very popular on PC, even more popular than games like Skyrim in its heyday. The number of concurrent players for GTA 5 has peaked today at 301,246. This makes it the only non-Valve game to […]

  • Mortal Kombat X: what does a modern fighting game look like?

    Mortal Kombat continues to evolve as NetherRealm adds RPG systems and daily challenges to a solid fighting game, says Sherif Saed. “Mortal Kombat X takes many cues from games like Destiny, Call of Duty, and GTA Online with hourly, daily and weekly events.” For as many of its familiar facets, Mortal Kombat X has enough […]

  • J-Stars Victory VS+ coming west in June – new trailer

    J-Stars Victory VS+ will make the jump (see what I did there) to the west after all. J-Stars Victory VS+ is the western title for the fighting game which stars characters from a variety of Shonen Jump-published manga. Bandai Namco has announced the fighter will release in Europe on June 26 and in the Americas […]

  • Codemasters F1 license good through 2016

    Codemasters has at least one more F1 game in it. F1 2015 isn’t out yet, so Codemasters is naturally not talking about what it might get up to in the future. We do know what it can get up to, though; Codemasters’ Steven Embling told Videogamer has the option to continue the series. “We have […]

  • Project Cars has pretty deep graphics options on consoles

    Project Cars offers players a wide variety of ways to customise their graphic settings on PS4 and Xbox One. Project Cars is a graphics showcase and all early indications suggest it’s going to be one of the best-looking games out there. Slightly Mad’s commitment to graphics seems to go deeper than making things pretty, though: […]

  • Super Smash Bros. patch nerfs Diddy Kong – report

    Super Smash Bros. 3DS and Wii U is great but Diddy Kong is a beast and must be stopped. The latest Super Smash Bros. 3Ds and Wii U patch seems to have nerfed Diddy Kong, a character so over-powered that serious tournament players generate controversy by choosing to use him. Nintendo doesn’t publish patch notes, […]

  • Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel developer shuttered

    Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel developer 2K Australia has been closed down. Kotaku broke the news, and also had word from an anonymous source, who said that all staff have been let go. 2K responded to our request for comment with the following statement: We can confirm we have taken steps to begin the studio closure process […]

  • Samorost 3 trailer shows Amanita still in fine form

    Samorost 3 looks as delicately beautiful as its siblings. Samarost 3 developer Amanita Design has a reputation for gorgeous, slightly surreal world building. This new trailer for its latest adventure looks just as if not more lovely than the previous Samarost games and Botanicula. Samarost 3 is coming to Mac and PC later this year, […]

  • Amnesia dev’s new project SOMA now in beta

    SOMA is nearly here and I am torn between excitement and horrified dread. SOMA is the latest horror project from Frictional, the team behind Amnesia: The Dark Descent. We’re pretty excited to see what Frictional comes up with next, and we won’t have too long to wait, apparently; the developer has announced that SOMA is […]

  • Steam Guard mobile authenticator now in beta testing

    Steam is now testing its latest security measure. Steam helps you protect your account by offering two-factor authentication, a solution so beautifully elegant and effective that it’s astounding every gaming network doesn’t do the same (looking at you, Sony). Valve’s version is called Steam Guard, and it works via email. This isn’t always super convenient, […]

  • Godzilla battles Mothra in new trailer

    Godzilla lets you stomp around cities and battle classic kaiju. I’m in. Godzilla is coming to PlayStation 3 and PS4 in early July, but we haven’t seen a great deal of it since its December reveal. The new trailer below gives you an idea of just what Natsume has done with one of the biggest […]

  • Tales of Zestiria to launch this year – new trailer

    Tales of Zestiria continues Bandai Namco’s delightful new habit of bringing the popular JRPG series to the west before the shine wears off. Tales of Zestiria is coming west in northern autumn, the publisher has announced. That’s not a bad turnaround, given it first hit Japan in January, and localisation of text-heavy titles is expensive […]

  • Project Cars release date locked down, new trailer released

    Project Cars finally has a release date. Project Cars will release on May 8, Bandai Namco UK has announced. We haven’t yet had an update from Namco Bandai’s other regional offices, but its probably safe to bet the racer will release around the same time in the Americas, Europe and ANZ region. We can now […]

  • Attack on Titan: Humanity in Chains trailer shows combat, online multiplayer

    Attack on Titan: Humanity in Chains has plenty to offer fans of the anime. Previously known as Attack on Titan: The Last Wings of Mankind, the Spike Chunsoft action game is coming west thanks to Atlus. Gematsu reports it’s due in both Europe and North America in May, via the 3DS eShop. The trailer below […]

  • Bloodborne stamina recovery rate affected by equip weight

    Bloodborne players have unearthed an important gameplay detail not mentioned in the game’s menus or manual. In Bloodborne, players need to manage their stamina carefully for best results. A far more aggressively-tuned affair than past Souls games, Bloodborne does away with equip weight limits, and items have no listed weight details. As far as players […]

  • Street Fighter’s Ryu, Fire Emblem’s Roy spotted in Super Smash Bros. patch – rumour

    Street Fighter’s Ryu is rumoured for future Super Smash bros DLC following datamining of the latest patch. Super Smash Bros. 3DS and Wii U were updated recently, and hacker shinyquagsire23 claims to have found some interesting files while poking around in the 3DS patch data. As detailed on Reddit, the audio files included a new […]

  • Suikoden 3 PEGI rating suggests PS2 Classic re-release

    Suikoden. Suikoden 2. And now: Suikoden 3. Suikoden 3 has been rated by PEGI for PlayStation 3, presumably ahead of an upcoming re-release. Gematsu turned up the rating, and although we have no further information at this time, it’s not much a leap to assume the RPG will turn up as a PS2 Classic on […]

  • Star Wars Battlefront gameplay reveal to be streamed live, new Instagram tease

    The Star Wars Battlefront gameplay reveal will be live-streamed during a panel hosted by EA as part of the Star Wars Celebration festivities this Friday. This is according to an announcement from Verizon and Disney courtesy of MP1ST. The main stream for the event kicks off at 10am PDT/1pm EDT on Thursday, April 16. It […]

  • GameStop to launch retro game and console trade-in experiment

    GameStop wants to get into the retro game and console business, providing it’s a worthwhile endeavor. To test the possibility, it will soon allow customers in Birmingham, Alabama and New York City to trade-in classic consoles and games in-store. Speaking with IGN, a spokesperson for the company said the initiative will kick off on April […]

  • Battlefield Hardline’s first patch addresses five priority issues requested by the community

    Battlefield Hardline’s first patch is in the works, and today, Visceral Games has added Punkbuster and Nvidia DirectX driver fixes to the list of issues to be addressed. Miscellaneous fixes for “the most frequent crashes” will be included in the patch, as well as the following “top five priority” issues voiced by the community. Punkbuster […]

  • GTA 5 user videos: Franklin’s exploits, a traffic jam tickle our funny bone

    Since GTA 5 was released on PC this week, the amount of videos being created with the new editing tools are releasing at a quick rate. Below, are three in particular I found amusing. The first one is from James McVinnie, originally posted on Reddit, showing what occurs after he happens upon vehicles in a […]

  • Invisible Inc. is coming to PS4 and has left Steam Early Access

    Invisible Inc., from Don’t Starve developers Klei Entertainment, has been announced for PlayStation 4 and the game has also a release date on PC. The game has now left Steam Early Access and will arrive on PC May 12. Per a post from studio founder Jamie Cheng on the PS Blog, the game will contain […]

  • Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare Ascendance DLC dated for PC and PlayStation

    The Ascendance DLC pack for Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare now has a release date for PC, PlayStation 3 and PS4. It contains four new maps, the OHM 2-in-1 directed energy light machine gun, the OHM Werewolf custom variant, and the new Exo Grapple ability and playlist. The Infection episode of the exo Zombies saga […]

  • Killing Floor 2 PC specs and Digital Deluxe Edition contents announced by Tripwire

    A Digital Deluxe Edition for Killing Floor 2 along with PC specs for the title have been announced, along with the new of a Steam Early Access launch later this month. According to Tripwire Interactive, the Digital Deluxe Edition will run you $39.99/£26.99/€36.99 starting on April 21 on Steam. This edition contains the following additions […]

  • Content in Wolfenstein: The Old Blood tips its hat to Return to Castle Wolfenstein

    Wolfenstein: The Old Blood, the standalone prequel to last year’s Wolfenstein: The New Order, will contain a few nods to the franchise classic Return to Castle Wolfenstein, according to the developers. According to developer MachineGames, the setting works “well with the pulp B-movie thing we’re going for,” and created a prequel instead of DLC for […]

  • Bloodborne is the latest to receive the Honest Game Trailers treatment

    Smosh Games has released another entry in its Honest Game Trailers series, and this time, it’s poking Bloodborne. According to the trailer, the game is “more disturbing” than the scene in South Park: The Stick of Truth where you are “crushed by your own Dad’s balls.” It also has more “stupid top hats than a […]